clap

The next time I come across someone who shows signs of not wanting to stick around, I’ll make sure to take my leave first.

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best part

Am I in love? Not anymore–so no, and I don’t think I will be any time soon. It’s not like I don’t want to try, rather, I’ll wait when the time is right. I spent so much of the past year hating myself and I want to work on building confidence and independence. I’ve got a lot of takeaways from what happened previously too so I’ll make sure not to repeat the same mistakes and not to fall for what ended up to be insincerity.

I just hope when I give myself another chance, I won’t be let down again. I’m glad though, that now I’m at a place where I was struggling so hard to be. I’m not saying what I’m going through currently is perfect because it’s beyond that (trust me, there are days when I just want to collapse from exhaustion because of all the work I signed up for), but the best part is that I’m growing so much–on my own. It feels good.

I am blessed and I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that. I don’t have the riches of so many things in this world but that’s okay, as long as I have those who understand me and that I’m doing things to contribute to my self-improvement, I have to learn to be more content. Sometimes it gets very difficult but I will always pull through in the end– I mean, I’m still here today, right? I believe you can too.

close to the final lap

Semester 3.1 just ended about 5 days ago for me and so far, I’ve been finding this relaxation and ‘me time’ really good. I did quite a number of fulfilling things the past semester despite being extremely busy with school work and I’ve to say, those definitely changed me. Semester 2.2 was very bland for me, almost too dull to the point I cannot point out even just one thing that built me. I was drowning in misery, letting every tiny thing affect me and that obviously led to my drop in grades, mental health and physical health too. Nonetheless, despite everything, I know that it has already been written down for me anyway. Regardless of what happened, they occurred for concrete reasons and weren’t passing matters. I’ve changed so much and I’m liking it. I’m not being so hard on myself, guys. That’s something.

When Semester 3.1 started, I attended religious classes for about a month or so because my school schedule wasn’t that hectic. I even managed to go to a run even though it was for school purposes, but my friends and I did spend a decent amount of time there. I headed to a new gym called Truefitness which had an amazing ambience I’m considering joining there in the future when I’m financially secure. I also got to carry out the sales process to various business in Singapore. It took a lot of courage, and for someone who isn’t the epitome of sociable, the first few tries were very discouraging and difficult for me. Thankfully I came across a lovely man who was willing to help me out with my school assessment. I also got to finish writing a 20-paged novella despite being overwhelmed with so many assignments because I was so determined to gift it to someone. Up to this day it’s still just there sitting in my Google Drive, nowhere near in the hands of the person in mind.

In June, I visited Yayoi Kusama’s exhibition at the National Gallery and was immersed in different patterns, colours and lights that it’s easily one of my favourite galleries to date. During the fasting month, I also helped out at a nearby mosque to do volunteer work. It was quite tiring but breaking fast with my brothers and sisters in my religion, it created a warmth in my chest that I’ve never felt before. Another part when I had to go out of my comfort zone was to interview a classmate’s mother alone. Again, I’m not the most talkative but I pulled it off pretty well if I’ve to say so myself. Her mother was also welcoming and soon enough I got comfortable. Something I did to reward myself at the end of the month was to sign up for Spotify Premium and I’m loving the ad-free life a lot currently.

July onwards, I was much busier than the previous months. Projects were starting to come into the picture. Amidst the workload, I got to support my friends during their Annual General Meeting to which I also won the lucky draw! It was a night filled with lovely vibes. I also did interviews with older adults at an estate area which was almost intimidating initially but became something I look forward to the consecutive times. I also had the opportunity to meet my friend who flew off to Jordan a year before and we had a lot of fun at the beach. I had way too many things on my plate and still I tried to slot in some spots to go out with friends and family. I didn’t want to be so occupied with school work because that was what I did for the past semesters and it didn’t do me exactly 100% good. Finding a balance was something I achieved in 3.1 and I’m beyond glad. That was also the time I started to be kinder to myself. I was greeted with news I wish I hadn’t known but it also made me move on, for real this time round. No more going back, no more feelings involved–just focusing on myself and the people who matter.

August has been nice to me so far. Finished all the projects with a blast; even went the extra mile for one of the modules to which our tutor told us “additional efforts will be rewarded” and we couldn’t help smiling from ear to ear. I learnt to even make dango when I could’ve used the time for school-related discussions but at least I kinda nailed it? Haha! My friends and I also took the initiative to buy items for a mosque as a form of donation. My first job was also starting so I handled everything smoothly for someone who had so many responsibilities hurled at her (I mean… I did sign up for all of those so yeah). Just last week I got to catch up with my friends again and even watched Annabelle: Creation; my third horror movie in the cinema! I was the noisiest in the theatre, not going to lie.

Looking back at all the things I did in the last four months, I’m so happy it wasn’t spent in low spirits and distress. What I learnt? It’s really about finding balance–only then will one be content. Surround yourself with those you love and love you. Don’t bother about unnecessary comments from others, and especially don’t bother about those who never bothered about you in the first place. Save yourself from any heartbreaks. Give so much attention and love to yourself to make up for all that you’ve spilled towards temporary people.

You’re the only one who has your back at all times anyway.

on my own

I am picking myself back up and I’m so damn proud of where I am today. Allow me to tell the whole world how I’m starting to give myself credit. Give me the chance to grow even more and to unlock doors to different opportunities. I don’t have someone special by my side now but that’s perfectly fine. As long as I’m on my side–that I’m not going against myself, everything is a whole lot more bearable.

not going to crawl back

Things were so different this time last year. I was the happiest I had been in years, or so I thought. A year later and I think I am happier because I realize there isn’t a ‘happy person’– there’s no one who can lift my spirits up instantaneously like I do. I’m the only one who can fix myself. I am finally free; all the thoughts that dragged me down, all the responsibilities I wanted to put myself through that did not revolve around independence, all the things that were unconsciously harming me more than building me.  I was blinded by such rash behaviour and I now know better. I’m so excited to start becoming even more self-reliant. I’ve filled up my time and will be extremely busy starting from this August. Going to be surrounded by people I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world. Going to focus on me, myself, and I. Going to work harder to achieve my goals.

If you intend to stick around, I’ll be more than grateful. If you want to pop by and say hi, I’d love to reciprocate. In the mood to make more friends, expand my social circle, while at the same time not opening up so easily. I’m content with the ones I have right now but there’s no harm in getting to know more people, right?

It may already be the second half of the year, but… to a new beginning.

insufficient

You know why sometimes when you’ve already given your heart and soul, when you’ve made a big promise, when you’re sure you’re going to be dedicated, when you say the right things, when you reassure the other party and those are still not enough?

Because the other party doesn’t see it like you do. The other party isn’t moved, isn’t convinced, isn’t all set for such a huge responsibility because he/she simply just can’t care less. To put it harshly, your words mean nothing.

don’t capsize

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“I think about you, love you, and I’m filled with pride.”

For someone who has a major in Self-Loathe, you’d probably think why on Earth am I giving you advice on self-love. That’s the thing–I’m trying to push myself even harder to pursue this journey with open arms and my head high. I’m trying to change for myself, my own good. I have to thank my supportive social circle who always urge me to improve myself. I don’t know what I’d do without them. May God bless them all.

For the past year, I’ve been having endless internal conflicts. It used to be more prominent in 2013 but I got better. Not until last year when I went through some major changes in my life and it took a toll on my well-being. All the wounds and bruises resurfaced and I didn’t do anything to treat them. I only picked on them and my condition worsened. I’d constantly lie to myself and others; tell them I’m fine, I’m trying hard to work on myself but the issue lies here: I wasn’t trying hard enough. I hated that people said I wasn’t pushing my limits initially. I wanted to scream at them and ask “can’t you see I’m trying?” Now that I’ve come to think about it, the only reason why I got so worked up was because they were right. I didn’t try my best. I didn’t give myself enough credit. I was harsh to the one person whom I have to give my all for.

It got to the point where I spent the past few months crying in the wee hours, not knowing how to fix all the shattered pieces of me. You’d think I would cry occasionally. No, I’m not lying when I say I literally sobbed my heart out every night. I was so crestfallen–or maybe that isn’t even the right word to describe the situation. I was lost, questioning everything I did that made people leave me, what was it that was so repulsive about me–why why why?

To this day I have no answer. But what I do know is that I have my fair share of flaws and it’s up to the people around me to accept them or not. Some left because they made the decision to. I can’t force them to stay in any way because that’s simply not real. At this point I’m thankful for the ones in my life and I’m striving to make them happy and especially–myself. I need to stop dragging myself down because no one has my back at all times except me (and God).

With that being said, I haven’t reached the stage of self-contentment yet. I only came to this realization a few days ago but I know that I need to continue. I’m only going to attend to the people who matter and vice versa. “Love is a road that goes both ways”. It’s noble to continuously give, but it’s not completely healthy either. Ultimately, don’t cause harm to others and to yourself.

Some tips to attain self-love:

  1. Find a hobby. Try out different things. If you’re going to only feel demotivated after multiple attempts (like me haha), do not proceed until you’re ready to give it a shot again. You’re not supposed to hate on yourself for not succeeding–you’re supposed to cut yourself some slack, a time to relax. It’s normal to not do well in the first few tries anyway! My hobbies include reading, doodling and taking photos. There are so many alternatives so don’t stop searching for the one/(s) that suit/(s) you best!
  2. Surround yourself with good people and be good as well. Good people will only radiate positive vibes and they’ll continuously support you. You don’t want any toxic relationships in your life. You don’t need them. Don’t latch on to them for the temporarily euphoric feelings they can cause. Find yourself by doing good and being around good people. We all have our off days obviously, but make up for it and apologize for your undesired behaviour.
  3. Make yourself busy. Hobbies play a part, but you may want to start on projects or other curricular activities if you can too. If you want to sign up for work, don’t stop yourself. Occupy your time with relevant activities. Catch up with your social circle over dinner. You can even go sightseeing or visit places that bring you serenity. For me, I’m going to do some voluntary work soon, meet up with old friends and then take a trip to the museum. These are things I like to do hence why I’m looking forward to the end of the week!
  4. Your new hobby can be your new interest too. One of my coping mechanisms back then was watching anime. I gave up on it when I was younger but was brought back to the ~anime life~ when I watched Kuroshitsuji and from then on I’ve been a huge fan of anime. If anime isn’t your thing, there are always movies and dramas of various genres that you’re bound to find one that meets your needs.

Here are some light-hearted anime that I feel everyone would love/people should give a shot:

  1. Barakamon
  2. Sweetness and Lightning
  3. Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki Kun
  4. Haikyuu!! (ノ^ヮ^)ノ*:・゚✧
  5. Ao Haru Ride
  6. Tamako Market

I hope I’ve helped some of y’all in one way or another. May God continue to guide us to the right path and may He heal all of us; all the pain others have caused, some we even unknowingly brought upon ourselves but don’t. beat. yourself. up. for. it. Let’s achieve self-love someday. I know we can.

Lots of warm wishes and virtual hugs.