not going to crawl back

Things were so different this time last year. I was the happiest I had been in years, or so I thought. A year later and I think I am happier because I realize there isn’t a ‘happy person’– there’s no one who can lift my spirits up instantaneously like I do. I’m the only one who can fix myself. I am finally free; all the thoughts that dragged me down, all the responsibilities I wanted to put myself through that did not revolve around independence, all the things that were unconsciously harming me more than building me.  I was blinded by such rash behaviour and I now know better. I’m so excited to start becoming even more self-reliant. I’ve filled up my time and will be extremely busy starting from this August. Going to be surrounded by people I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world. Going to focus on me, myself, and I. Going to work harder to achieve my goals.

If you intend to stick around, I’ll be more than grateful. If you want to pop by and say hi, I’d love to reciprocate. In the mood to make more friends, expand my social circle, while at the same time not opening up so easily. I’m content with the ones I have right now but there’s no harm in getting to know more people, right?

It may already be the second half of the year, but… to a new beginning.

insufficient

You know why sometimes when you’ve already given your heart and soul, when you’ve made a big promise, when you’re sure you’re going to be dedicated, when you say the right things, when you reassure the other party and those are still not enough?

Because the other party doesn’t see it like you do. The other party isn’t moved, isn’t convinced, isn’t all set for such a huge responsibility because he/she simply just can’t care less. To put it harshly, your words mean nothing.

don’t capsize

d8f940d5ecd1acf775aa9cbed4c8f37b
“I think about you, love you, and I’m filled with pride.”

For someone who has a major in Self-Loathe, you’d probably think why on Earth am I giving you advice on self-love. That’s the thing–I’m trying to push myself even harder to pursue this journey with open arms and my head high. I’m trying to change for myself, my own good. I have to thank my supportive social circle who always urge me to improve myself. I don’t know what I’d do without them. May God bless them all.

For the past year, I’ve been having endless internal conflicts. It used to be more prominent in 2013 but I got better. Not until last year when I went through some major changes in my life and it took a toll on my well-being. All the wounds and bruises resurfaced and I didn’t do anything to treat them. I only picked on them and my condition worsened. I’d constantly lie to myself and others; tell them I’m fine, I’m trying hard to work on myself but the issue lies here: I wasn’t trying hard enough. I hated that people said I wasn’t pushing my limits initially. I wanted to scream at them and ask “can’t you see I’m trying?” Now that I’ve come to think about it, the only reason why I got so worked up was because they were right. I didn’t try my best. I didn’t give myself enough credit. I was harsh to the one person whom I have to give my all for.

It got to the point where I spent the past few months crying in the wee hours, not knowing how to fix all the shattered pieces of me. You’d think I would cry occasionally. No, I’m not lying when I say I literally sobbed my heart out every night. I was so crestfallen–or maybe that isn’t even the right word to describe the situation. I was lost, questioning everything I did that made people leave me, what was it that was so repulsive about me–why why why?

To this day I have no answer. But what I do know is that I have my fair share of flaws and it’s up to the people around me to accept them or not. Some left because they made the decision to. I can’t force them to stay in any way because that’s simply not real. At this point I’m thankful for the ones in my life and I’m striving to make them happy and especially–myself. I need to stop dragging myself down because no one has my back at all times except me (and God).

With that being said, I haven’t reached the stage of self-contentment yet. I only came to this realization a few days ago but I know that I need to continue. I’m only going to attend to the people who matter and vice versa. “Love is a road that goes both ways”. It’s noble to continuously give, but it’s not completely healthy either. Ultimately, don’t cause harm to others and to yourself.

Some tips to attain self-love:

  1. Find a hobby. Try out different things. If you’re going to only feel demotivated after multiple attempts (like me haha), do not proceed until you’re ready to give it a shot again. You’re not supposed to hate on yourself for not succeeding–you’re supposed to cut yourself some slack, a time to relax. It’s normal to not do well in the first few tries anyway! My hobbies include reading, doodling and taking photos. There are so many alternatives so don’t stop searching for the one/(s) that suit/(s) you best!
  2. Surround yourself with good people and be good as well. Good people will only radiate positive vibes and they’ll continuously support you. You don’t want any toxic relationships in your life. You don’t need them. Don’t latch on to them for the temporarily euphoric feelings they can cause. Find yourself by doing good and being around good people. We all have our off days obviously, but make up for it and apologize for your undesired behaviour.
  3. Make yourself busy. Hobbies play a part, but you may want to start on projects or other curricular activities if you can too. If you want to sign up for work, don’t stop yourself. Occupy your time with relevant activities. Catch up with your social circle over dinner. You can even go sightseeing or visit places that bring you serenity. For me, I’m going to do some voluntary work soon, meet up with old friends and then take a trip to the museum. These are things I like to do hence why I’m looking forward to the end of the week!
  4. Your new hobby can be your new interest too. One of my coping mechanisms back then was watching anime. I gave up on it when I was younger but was brought back to the ~anime life~ when I watched Kuroshitsuji and from then on I’ve been a huge fan of anime. If anime isn’t your thing, there are always movies and dramas of various genres that you’re bound to find one that meets your needs.

Here are some light-hearted anime that I feel everyone would love/people should give a shot:

  1. Barakamon
  2. Sweetness and Lightning
  3. Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki Kun
  4. Haikyuu!! (ノ^ヮ^)ノ*:・゚✧
  5. Ao Haru Ride
  6. Tamako Market

I hope I’ve helped some of y’all in one way or another. May God continue to guide us to the right path and may He heal all of us; all the pain others have caused, some we even unknowingly brought upon ourselves but don’t. beat. yourself. up. for. it. Let’s achieve self-love someday. I know we can.

Lots of warm wishes and virtual hugs.

thank you for this review, it’s my first non-fiction

Hey,

Honestly, I can’t say how I can put myself in your shoes because I tried so hard to, but I can’t reciprocate the same feelings you had. I’ve never encountered a person that I would wholeheartedly let myself be with so comfortably and I’ve never been passionate to an extent where I would give up my life for someone (I know you didn’t mention that in your words but I felt so). I can say that I couldn’t agree more with this companion of yours that said about this — raw. You did get me tearing up when I was in the midst of reading the book in the train. I’m not sure how often I get evoked when reading but this, this — I can’t explain it. It’s such a foreign feeling that I want to understand how can one be so hurt — a pain so elaborately portrayed in words. I admire you for writing a piece of your heart and gifting it to him. Especially when you started on a good note and you ended it just as well. I want to be able to provide you comfort but only He is the solace I believe you seek the most and need. I am merely a medium for you to let your feelings out and a warm embrace you can always seek out for. Be good to yourself — just as you’ve been good to others. I am absolutely enthralled to see you grow into someone much more passionate than today, even if you have given pieces of your heart to others — even those who deem unworthy of them. Lest, at least you’ve left a mark on someone. Pursue that rawness in yourself. You’re still an unpolished gem — it’ll take years but I know you’ll be a gem in which those who are important in your life will adore, admire. Love always, Fa.

unrest

I hate it when people apologize just to get rid of any guilt. I hate it when they apologize just so they are seen as the nicer ones in the situation. I hate it when they apologize but don’t do anything to make up for it. Nothing bugs me more than all talk and no action. Understand that you’ve hurt/caused trouble for some people and if you’re only constantly apologizing to make yourself feel good at the end of the day, the only person you should say sorry to is yourself.

incoherent

These days my thoughts have been all over the place. Inconsistent. A downfall at a point, soaring up in the sky the other. I do not want to fall tragically when I have been trying so hard to maintain the previous state. It sucks because I know what the triggers are and yet, despite numerous attempts to get away from them all, they would come crawling back, almost like they’re in disbelief. Is she really trying? I want to cry and that’s exactly what I have been doing. I drown in my own tears and emotions and would only successfully resurface when life smacks me intensely in the guts. It’s 3 am, better sleep now because you have school in 4 hours. I didn’t think such an event could haunt me so badly but yeah, newsflash, it can and it is. It also sucks because the one person whom I thought would not hurt me at all, did, and it’s the kind of wound that I don’t even know if such a cure exists. My ego is bruised, my heart is bruised, my mind is bruised. I feel like someone just continuously punches me until I’m black and blue and yet I don’t do anything to fight back. I succumb. I’m not supposed to be weak. Girls are so strong. I should rise but what the hell am I doing down here?

It pains me even more that I am feeling this way because of someone who meant the world to me; who still means so much. You can’t just dismiss someone like that. You’ll only end up missing.

You see love’s a funny thing the way it lingers in the mind, no matter what you do or the passing of time, that ember still glows. Good times take precedent over every incident no matter how poorly spent, so we put on these ridiculous fronts like we were just fooling around.

conveyed

The Adjective / I Hope You’re Doing Well

I’ve spent my whole life catching up
But what if there’s nothing to catch up to
What if I’ve been right where I need to be
Being on track always felt so strange to me

Tell me all about your friends
And every place you’ve ever been
I’m dying to know your voice
Like the back of my hand
And tell me me how the hell you’ve been
Life’s too short so keep a grin
I hope you’re doing what you love
And love whoever you’re there with

You only get so many second chances
Don’t waste a second second guessing
Not everything’s always your fault
Life’s not always simple
You don’t have to hate yourself.

the hardest part is forgetting those you swore you would never forget

If I could paint you a picture of all the misery you had unknowingly put me through, it’d be too grotesque you may want to wish you hadn’t even caught a glimpse of it.

If I could paint you a picture of all the happiness you brought into my life before my downfall, it’d be incomplete, though all sunshine and rainbows that you wish you could see more.

I wish the latter had continued. I wish the separation had been done a lot more peacefully; not so abrupt, not like you just laid it all down for me in carefully constructed sentences because you didn’t want to hurt me but that’s the irony of it all. You did. At the same time, it’s not fully your fault either. 

And ever since, I can’t paint beautifully anymore. They either end up being too messy, or I couldn’t deal with it and just crumple it–chuck it elsewhere, most probably the bin. I miss you so much and I wish we’re still talking, still good friends, still sharing our thoughts and opinions but with something new: having a barrier.

But I get what you said. Continuing from where we left off or being too normal with each other could result in me facing a bigger loss.

I’m sorry. I’m just really sad it had to be this way and I think you can tell. Nevermind. I hope you’re healthy and maybe one day I could catch up with you. Can I?