out of sorts october

They always tell you to never make humans your source of happiness. They tell you to find happiness in things, activities, hobbies–just not people.

I went against the universal rule.

I’ve lost the very one person who made me extremely happy and now I’m not doing great, pieces of me are scattered on the floor and I can’t seem to tidy myself up.

I want to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry.


hold it all together

I don’t know what to do without making it worse
But I don’t like who I am when I’m not with you
I couldn’t make sense of it
I hadn’t slept for days
I never had the feeling that could make me throw up in the street

There are days when you will go the extra mile to be productive and some when you want to lay in bed and just listen to music or catch up on the American dramas you enjoy or spend hours playing that favourite shooting game of yours.

You’re good with words. I have never come across someone whose mind reels on writing so much and expresses his thoughts on a medium quite often. Rhyming, describing–anything. You never fail to impress me with your ability to form well-structured sentences. That’s also what I like about you. You don’t hide any of the emotions you’re feeling because you always treasure being real.

You’re loyal. Despite past circumstances, I know that in the future when you find someone you truly love, you’ll do anything to have her by your side always. I don’t want you to think your loyalty’s a bad thing just because of what happened previously. I know that you’ll strive to make her happy and your relationship to work. I know you will shower her with endless love and I’m sure she will be more than happy to reciprocate. I mean, who wouldn’t love you?

You’re a masterpiece. Gorgeous eyes that I can stare at all day, cheeks that were quite defined but now slightly chubby but that’s alright with me–I prefer that anyway, blessed with great eyebrows, a smile that instantly warms my heart and a grin that will always make me react the same because of how joyful you look– it’s so evident and I just love it when you’re happy. You told me you don’t like to grin much because your teeth aren’t perfect, that you wanted to get braces, but I personally don’t mind. I’m sure the person you love in the future won’t mind either.

You’re thoughtful but sometimes you also think too much. Don’t let the bad thoughts overwhelm you. I know you have the tendency to not work on being happy as soon as possible when you’re sad but rather on the problem itself/what made you over-think, but don’t let it get the best of you. I like how you dissociate yourself from anyone else when you’re feeling that way though because unlike you, I don’t which isn’t pretty. I’m working on it though. I’m also sorry you had to see me behave like that: sulking and all. Haha I can be such a baby.

You’re smart. I’m glad you’ve realized your goals again and I pray you’ll get to achieve it. It’s going to be a tough journey but it’ll be worth it. If this ambition of yours falters along the way, don’t be so hard on yourself either. God has better plans for you. You know that yourself, right?

You’re the first and you’ll always be. You’ve made me smile when things were difficult for me and you were there for me when I felt so alone (to which you also reminded me that I am never alone).

Thank you for making my 2016 pleasant.


I want to make the ones I love happy. 

It may sound ambitious because happiness is subjective and it depends on the other party’s mood. Sometimes we just allow the melancholy and sadness to swallow us whole and we don’t want any interaction. 

That’s when it gets difficult.

I wish I can do something. I’m torn between just giving the person space and asking what I can do that may help–even a bit. I just don’t want to lose someone precious. That being said, losing people when growing up is inevitable, but this one’s a definite keeper. 

I don’t want things to end.