recall

I’ve been running from the pain
Trying not to feel the same
But it’s a shame that we’re sinking
See, my confidence is shaking
And my heart is feeling vacant

My own words echoing in my mind, when I told my friends back then who were going through heartbreaks like it was easy, like they saw it coming because relationships in the teenage years are generally difficult to last, and they should’ve been prepared for it. I didn’t blame them, no, I felt the pain too. But I kept on telling them it’ll pass and we were young anyway. Naive, so naive, 16 year old me.

We never got together so why am I experiencing this?

I came across a poem about how we lose people not just once but every time we see things that remind us of them. I don’t have any of your items with me which is a good thing–it would be weird anyway, but I have the souvenir you got for me in March and the photo strip we took at the museum back in July. I see the unsent messages in my drawer. I see the edited ones too. Coming across all those, I guess I could safely deduce–

I caused it all. I brought this all upon myself.

I see your favourite chocolate. Is it still your favourite? Your scent is everywhere; it sucks that your cologne’s an overrated one but it’s that for a good reason anyway. I see shops or places that remind me of you. We didn’t get to go out much, but each place holds a special value–at least to me. I see the benches in school and will be overwhelmed by the memories of you and I, having our study sessions that weren’t even entirely fruitful (haha), but I enjoyed every second of it. I hope you did too.

I see everything.

I don’t want to forget it all because that would mean pretending more than half of 2016 didn’t exist. I don’t want to forget it all because even though it hurts, it puts a smile on my face that hey, I had them all with you and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You always know how to make me smile too. How do you do that?

How

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