I have not felt this way in a long time: so down, so out of it, so caught up with the weight of the world, so suffocated. The last time I had thoughts about Death was a year or so ago. I would get sad here and there, in fact I think I’ve been pretty down in the dumps since October, but Death did not cross my mind.
Not until tonight.
I know I said recently that I should stop relying on people to bring me happiness, but the thing is, with someone like me–as depressing as this sounds, God I hope not–I need people around me to bring me happiness to remind me that life is worth living for. I have my religion and God to turn to but I’m specifically referring to physical aspects here. Sometimes you place so much happiness in someone that when they leave, you don’t know what to do. All the other happiness in your life can’t match the kind that person brings. It’s a living hell; when you’re constantly comparing with what you had and what you have. I’m not saying my friends haven’t been successful in cheering me up either. If anything, they’re the ones that helped/are helping me pull through aside from my family members. I am so thankful for them. Very, to the point I don’t know how to express my gratitude because I feel like what I can repay’s lacking immensely.
Anyway, the sadness got pretty bad in the evening. Everything came crashing down all at once and it felt like the floor could swallow me whole with my screams ringing in my ears. I didn’t want all of that. I want to get rid of that so badly.
Just, anyone–keep me in your prayers if you can. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I don’t think I want to know either.