don’t even say anything

The other day I came across a screenshot of an author (Najwa Zebian, if you must know and she’s great by the way)’s Facebook status on how it is perfectly okay to express your views, to be emotional, you shouldn’t be scared that you’ll come off as very sensitive and by doing all of those, it doesn’t mean you’re making things uncomfortable for both yourself and the other party. As an emotional person myself who generally likes to voice out any doubts or dissatisfaction without overdoing it as well as being pretty cheesy (and too much of a hopeless romantic), I wanted so badly to agree. I was glad there was at least someone (albeit from the other side of the world) who appreciated that but I was surprised at how angry it made me too.

Her status was this:

“Your feelings are important. What’s not okay is for you to bottle up your feelings up inside because you feel ashamed of feeling them. What’s not okay is for you to allow the person who caused you pain to tell you that you have no right to feel that pain. They already caused it. You have every right to feel it. If we were as insensitive as the world wanted us to be, we would not be humans; we would be rocks and mountains. But we are humans and we have hearts and souls. Use your heart today. Use your soul today. Be gentle with yourself. And allow yourself to feel your feelings.”

It is easier said than done though, ain’t it? I find it absurd that people generally encourage others to be vulnerable and avoid having pent up emotions but the second someone conveys his truest feelings, he is asked to stop almost immediately. If not, his views are heard but they’re either ignored or they’ll say he’s being over-dramatic, naive and just plain unreasonable. Just putting this out there: I am not saying everyone is against sensitive people or consider  them ridiculous.

I’ve been there far too many times. I’ve been in situations where after spilling my emotions, I’ll be hit with waves of dread when they aren’t well-received. At the end of the day, the one who’s hurt is me, myself and I. Allowing myself to feel in extremes–and damn it, it can’t be toned down–will result in a type of despondence I can’t even describe properly.

To put it simply, I feel like I’m blessed with a curse–of feeling too much, of feeling too passionately, of being so easily affected. The worst part is I cannot do anything about it. I have to continue feeling and letting every reaction take a toll on me. It’s truly exhausting. For years now I’ve been under the pressure of being emotional and then when I admit it to someone aloud, I’m considered a fool (well some people don’t say it blatantly but honestly with the tone and all, you can just tell).

When will the various aspects of my life stop weighing me down? Just make me immune already.

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knock out 

Yesterday I went to JB with my sisters, cousin and brother in law. We spent a great whole day there. Explored 2 malls and a place called Kilang Bateri. The entire day, all I could think of was how much I loved going somewhere new and I hope I’ll be blessed enough to head to more amazing places in the near future. I really want to get away from everything. I just want some time to focus on myself, seeing the greater things and what the world has to offer. I’m tired of wallowing in sadness and giving in to any negativity.

In Year 3 a.k.a my final lap of my tertiary education which is also commencing in a month, I hope I’ll be more mature and stop making rash decisions.

told me

I would love to be patient, but I just won’t wait
I’m getting sick and tired of the smile that I fake every day
I would love to speak my mind, but I can’t think straight
I would love to feel alive again, but I’m not used to change

Do you sleep anymore?

And if it makes you feel better, I’ll be on my way
And all this time I sit around and think, but there’s nothing to say
And if you want to feel better, I’ll stay out of your way
And I would love to feel alive again, but I guess that can wait

I’ve privatized 80% of my posts. Some were too vulnerable for the rest of the world to see. I just feel like I need to go through drastic changes in order to heal properly. It’s also less messy this way–not seeing my privatized posts. I think I sounded too frail and that’s quite the sight. Anyway, cheers to a good rest of the month. You’ll just find me trying my hardest to survive.