lessons

I gained so many life lessons from him. At one point, I even wanted to stop learning because it was overwhelming but the thing with me is that once I’m in, I’m in for real. I don’t like to do things half-hearted. Well, now look where we are.

Just last night I was assessing whatever I learnt from him. The biggest lesson I learnt was being able to love. I’ve always thought I could when I was younger, but over time, I didn’t want to confuse love with infatuation. I’ve had very few crushes in the past because I knew how much energy and effort it took. I also kept it all to myself, revealing only to a select one or two that I liked someone. I wasn’t in that bandwagon; when the girls would gather and talk about their crushes. I’ve only ever liked 2 boys before him.

The first time I admitted to liking someone, whatever it was, it was short-lived. At that point I did only like him. I guess when we spend time with the people we like, it can develop into something more. Truthfully, I initially didn’t want it to be anything serious. I was young. School and family should be my sole priorities. I knew I could come off as strong, or too intense, so I told myself to let things be more controlled. I think I wasn’t that expressive or as expressive as I could be, but I did show and tell how I appreciated him once in a while. Even he said it was obvious from the way I behaved.

When it happened, I was in denial. I found it hard to accept that he wanted to get rid of everything that could link back to me. I experienced a sense of self-hatred I didn’t know could even exist in the first place. I did think whether I was just being too immature or behaving so rash when I was more composed.

Now that I’ve fully come to terms with it, I don’t know if it’s safe to say whether I loved him or haha, damn it, that I still do. It’s hard to move on because sometimes my mum would ask me about him even though I’ve told her before that I haven’t contacted him in so long, sometimes I stumble upon his face in my phone gallery, sometimes I see the folders in my computer that would make me cry the moment I open them. I wrote some poems for him. I wrote a short book for him, even, for his 20th. They’re all there. They serve as reminders that whatever I felt was real. The picture we took from the museum’s photobooth is also still in my box.

I’ve made a promise to myself just recently that I should love him less. That I need to be strong on my own. That just because things didn’t turn out the way I visioned it to be, I shouldn’t be so downhearted. But it’s so difficult especially when he’s doing so well now. I’m happy that he is,  but I wish I’m there with him, or that I can at least get rid of this leeching sadness.

I’m just so tired.

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“I think about you, love you, and I’m filled with pride.”

For someone who has a major in Self-Loathe, you’d probably think why on Earth am I giving you advice on self-love. That’s the thing–I’m trying to push myself even harder to pursue this journey with open arms and my head high. I’m trying to change for myself, my own good. I have to thank my supportive social circle who always urge me to improve myself. I don’t know what I’d do without them. May God bless them all.

For the past year, I’ve been having endless internal conflicts. It used to be more prominent in 2013 but I got better. Not until last year when I went through some major changes in my life and it took a toll on my well-being. All the wounds and bruises resurfaced and I didn’t do anything to treat them. I only picked on them and my condition worsened. I’d constantly lie to myself and others; tell them I’m fine, I’m trying hard to work on myself but the issue lies here: I wasn’t trying hard enough. I hated that people said I wasn’t pushing my limits initially. I wanted to scream at them and ask “can’t you see I’m trying?” Now that I’ve come to think about it, the only reason why I got so worked up was because they were right. I didn’t try my best. I didn’t give myself enough credit. I was harsh to the one person whom I have to give my all for.

It got to the point where I spent the past few months crying in the wee hours, not knowing how to fix all the shattered pieces of me. You’d think I would cry occasionally. No, I’m not lying when I say I literally sobbed my heart out every night. I was so crestfallen–or maybe that isn’t even the right word to describe the situation. I was lost, questioning everything I did that made people leave me, what was it that was so repulsive about me–why why why?

To this day I have no answer. But what I do know is that I have my fair share of flaws and it’s up to the people around me to accept them or not. Some left because they made the decision to. I can’t force them to stay in any way because that’s simply not real. At this point I’m thankful for the ones in my life and I’m striving to make them happy and especially–myself. I need to stop dragging myself down because no one has my back at all times except me (and God).

With that being said, I haven’t reached the stage of self-contentment yet. I only came to this realization a few days ago but I know that I need to continue. I’m only going to attend to the people who matter and vice versa. “Love is a road that goes both ways”. It’s noble to continuously give, but it’s not completely healthy either. Ultimately, don’t cause harm to others and to yourself.

Some tips to attain self-love:

  1. Find a hobby. Try out different things. If you’re going to only feel demotivated after multiple attempts (like me haha), do not proceed until you’re ready to give it a shot again. You’re not supposed to hate on yourself for not succeeding–you’re supposed to cut yourself some slack, a time to relax. It’s normal to not do well in the first few tries anyway! My hobbies include reading, doodling and taking photos. There are so many alternatives so don’t stop searching for the one/(s) that suit/(s) you best!
  2. Surround yourself with good people and be good as well. Good people will only radiate positive vibes and they’ll continuously support you. You don’t want any toxic relationships in your life. You don’t need them. Don’t latch on to them for the temporarily euphoric feelings they can cause. Find yourself by doing good and being around good people. We all have our off days obviously, but make up for it and apologize for your undesired behaviour.
  3. Make yourself busy. Hobbies play a part, but you may want to start on projects or other curricular activities if you can too. If you want to sign up for work, don’t stop yourself. Occupy your time with relevant activities. Catch up with your social circle over dinner. You can even go sightseeing or visit places that bring you serenity. For me, I’m going to do some voluntary work soon, meet up with old friends and then take a trip to the museum. These are things I like to do hence why I’m looking forward to the end of the week!
  4. Your new hobby can be your new interest too. One of my coping mechanisms back then was watching anime. I gave up on it when I was younger but was brought back to the ~anime life~ when I watched Kuroshitsuji and from then on I’ve been a huge fan of anime. If anime isn’t your thing, there are always movies and dramas of various genres that you’re bound to find one that meets your needs.

Here are some light-hearted anime that I feel everyone would love/people should give a shot:

  1. Barakamon
  2. Sweetness and Lightning
  3. Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki Kun
  4. Haikyuu!! (ノ^ヮ^)ノ*:・゚✧
  5. Ao Haru Ride
  6. Tamako Market

I hope I’ve helped some of y’all in one way or another. May God continue to guide us to the right path and may He heal all of us; all the pain others have caused, some we even unknowingly brought upon ourselves but don’t. beat. yourself. up. for. it. Let’s achieve self-love someday. I know we can.

Lots of warm wishes and virtual hugs.