Even though you make me glow, I have to move on and grow.
It’s funny because sometimes the love can quickly turn to hate. Sometimes nonchalance becomes intense. Sometimes forever becomes non-existent. Sometimes paragraphs turn to mere words. Sometimes good moments make you wish they were bad so it’ll be easier to forget. Sometimes the book you leave open all the time becomes a book you cannot stand the sight of and just close it shut. Sometimes good friends turn to strangers. You made my world seem right for the first time and soon after you turned it upside down. We have become opposites. I have never had so much disgust for a person and it pains me to deduce it is directed towards you–someone whom I once thought the world of.
The next time I come across someone who shows signs of not wanting to stick around, I’ll make sure to take my leave first.
Am I in love? Not anymore–so no, and I don’t think I will be any time soon. It’s not like I don’t want to try, rather, I’ll wait when the time is right. I spent so much of the past year hating myself and I want to work on building confidence and independence. I’ve got a lot of takeaways from what happened previously too so I’ll make sure not to repeat the same mistakes and not to fall for what ended up to be insincerity.
I just hope when I give myself another chance, I won’t be let down again. I’m glad though, that now I’m at a place where I was struggling so hard to be. I’m not saying what I’m going through currently is perfect because it’s beyond that (trust me, there are days when I just want to collapse from exhaustion because of all the work I signed up for), but the best part is that I’m growing so much–on my own. It feels good.
I am blessed and I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that. I don’t have the riches of so many things in this world but that’s okay, as long as I have those who understand me and that I’m doing things to contribute to my self-improvement, I have to learn to be more content. Sometimes it gets very difficult but I will always pull through in the end– I mean, I’m still here today, right? I believe you can too.
You told me to be careful with your heart.
Semester 3.1 just ended about 5 days ago for me and so far, I’ve been finding this relaxation and ‘me time’ really good. I did quite a number of fulfilling things the past semester despite being extremely busy with school work and I’ve to say, those definitely changed me. Semester 2.2 was very bland for me, almost too dull to the point I cannot point out even just one thing that built me. I was drowning in misery, letting every tiny thing affect me and that obviously led to my drop in grades, mental health and physical health too. Nonetheless, despite everything, I know that it has already been written down for me anyway. Regardless of what happened, they occurred for concrete reasons and weren’t passing matters. I’ve changed so much and I’m liking it. I’m not being so hard on myself, guys. That’s something.
When Semester 3.1 started, I attended religious classes for about a month or so because my school schedule wasn’t that hectic. I even managed to go to a run even though it was for school purposes, but my friends and I did spend a decent amount of time there. I headed to a new gym called Truefitness which had an amazing ambience I’m considering joining there in the future when I’m financially secure. I also got to carry out the sales process to various business in Singapore. It took a lot of courage, and for someone who isn’t the epitome of sociable, the first few tries were very discouraging and difficult for me. Thankfully I came across a lovely man who was willing to help me out with my school assessment. I also got to finish writing a 20-paged novella despite being overwhelmed with so many assignments because I was so determined to gift it to someone. Up to this day it’s still just there sitting in my Google Drive, nowhere near in the hands of the person in mind.
In June, I visited Yayoi Kusama’s exhibition at the National Gallery and was immersed in different patterns, colours and lights that it’s easily one of my favourite galleries to date. During the fasting month, I also helped out at a nearby mosque to do volunteer work. It was quite tiring but breaking fast with my brothers and sisters in my religion, it created a warmth in my chest that I’ve never felt before. Another part when I had to go out of my comfort zone was to interview a classmate’s mother alone. Again, I’m not the most talkative but I pulled it off pretty well if I’ve to say so myself. Her mother was also welcoming and soon enough I got comfortable. Something I did to reward myself at the end of the month was to sign up for Spotify Premium and I’m loving the ad-free life a lot currently.
July onwards, I was much busier than the previous months. Projects were starting to come into the picture. Amidst the workload, I got to support my friends during their Annual General Meeting to which I also won the lucky draw! It was a night filled with lovely vibes. I also did interviews with older adults at an estate area which was almost intimidating initially but became something I look forward to the consecutive times. I also had the opportunity to meet my friend who flew off to Jordan a year before and we had a lot of fun at the beach. I had way too many things on my plate and still I tried to slot in some spots to go out with friends and family. I didn’t want to be so occupied with school work because that was what I did for the past semesters and it didn’t do me exactly 100% good. Finding a balance was something I achieved in 3.1 and I’m beyond glad. That was also the time I started to be kinder to myself. I was greeted with news I wish I hadn’t known but it also made me move on, for real this time round. No more going back, no more feelings involved–just focusing on myself and the people who matter.
August has been nice to me so far. Finished all the projects with a blast; even went the extra mile for one of the modules to which our tutor told us “additional efforts will be rewarded” and we couldn’t help smiling from ear to ear. I learnt to even make dango when I could’ve used the time for school-related discussions but at least I kinda nailed it? Haha! My friends and I also took the initiative to buy items for a mosque as a form of donation. My first job was also starting so I handled everything smoothly for someone who had so many responsibilities hurled at her (I mean… I did sign up for all of those so yeah). Just last week I got to catch up with my friends again and even watched Annabelle: Creation; my third horror movie in the cinema! I was the noisiest in the theatre, not going to lie.
Looking back at all the things I did in the last four months, I’m so happy it wasn’t spent in low spirits and distress. What I learnt? It’s really about finding balance–only then will one be content. Surround yourself with those you love and love you. Don’t bother about unnecessary comments from others, and especially don’t bother about those who never bothered about you in the first place. Save yourself from any heartbreaks. Give so much attention and love to yourself to make up for all that you’ve spilled towards temporary people.
You’re the only one who has your back at all times anyway.
I am picking myself back up and I’m so damn proud of where I am today. Allow me to tell the whole world how I’m starting to give myself credit. Give me the chance to grow even more and to unlock doors to different opportunities. I don’t have someone special by my side now but that’s perfectly fine. As long as I’m on my side–that I’m not going against myself, everything is a whole lot more bearable.
Things were so different this time last year. I was the happiest I had been in years, or so I thought. A year later and I think I am happier because I realize there isn’t a ‘happy person’– there’s no one who can lift my spirits up instantaneously like I do. I’m the only one who can fix myself. I am finally free; all the thoughts that dragged me down, all the responsibilities I wanted to put myself through that did not revolve around independence, all the things that were unconsciously harming me more than building me. I was blinded by such rash behaviour and I now know better. I’m so excited to start becoming even more self-reliant. I’ve filled up my time and will be extremely busy starting from this August. Going to be surrounded by people I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world. Going to focus on me, myself, and I. Going to work harder to achieve my goals.
If you intend to stick around, I’ll be more than grateful. If you want to pop by and say hi, I’d love to reciprocate. In the mood to make more friends, expand my social circle, while at the same time not opening up so easily. I’m content with the ones I have right now but there’s no harm in getting to know more people, right?
It may already be the second half of the year, but… to a new beginning.
You know why sometimes when you’ve already given your heart and soul, when you’ve made a big promise, when you’re sure you’re going to be dedicated, when you say the right things, when you reassure the other party and those are still not enough?
Because the other party doesn’t see it like you do. The other party isn’t moved, isn’t convinced, isn’t all set for such a huge responsibility because he/she simply just can’t care less. To put it harshly, your words mean nothing.
I hope that I get to do what I love in the future and love whoever’s there with me. I hope that’s the same for you too.