choose your poison

Being overly attached to a person or having an overly attached person to you?

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honey skies

Many things happened in 2018; I was at the highest I’ve ever been but I had my low points too. Let’s bring it back to the start; I’m kinda up for some story time.

I had my final year project and was lucky enough to do it with wonderful people. I had one of the best groups throughout my entire polytechnic journey and it was a pleasure to collaborate with them. It was really tough though because the topic was something we had never studied but we were given the trust to pursue the project and that was probably the main motivation for the four of us. We only got a B+ but I wouldn’t change anything about the process because truly, I had amazing company. The presentation to the organisation went well too so that made the overall experience worthwhile.

Then came the anxiety and many nights crying my heart out as I was really scared about not getting into a university. I was just an average B+ student so things were uncertain. The qualifications to get into a university are still considerably strict so I didn’t place much high hopes. Nonetheless, I prayed endlessly and was relieved that I had passed the selection process and would start my semester around late July. Those nights came to a halt.

I was able to enjoy my Japan and Port Dickson/KL trips to the fullest. I saved like mad for those trips, where the aforementioned was with my cousin and sister and the latter was with my closest girlfriends from polytechnic. There was one major downfall during our graduation trip though and that was us–6 teenagers–missing our flights. We were supposed to reach home in such a short period of time but it was extended up to 8 hours later. We had to splurge on the trip back home as well since we bought our new tickets the same day. I learnt a lot about myself from that and my biggest takeaway was to be kinder not just to myself but to the people around me. I had a panic attack at the airport which resulted in me not being able to communicate for quite some time with the rest of my friends. I even got into a tiff with a close friend but all’s well that ends well, right? I was just thankful we forgave each other.

The next round of anxiety was finding it difficult to make friends in university. I was struggling to converse with others (they were really really really intellectual) but I found 2 good friends to which it made things easier from there. When term 2 started, I’ve pretty much talked to almost everyone in class and that was a big achievement for an introvert like me. One of my friends told me my aura’s lilac which was one of the nicest things I’ve heard in a while. Then I received an influx of love from many people which got me all sorts of warm and fuzzy inside.

I lost some precious people too. Some gains require some losses, I guess.

The year ended nicely with me getting decent results despite facing setbacks in the revision process and my 21st birthday being a blast as I got to spend time with an old friend. All in all, I’m just grateful for all the good and the hardships I came across in 2018. Obviously I didn’t state everything because I’ve left all that in my private blog. Right now, it’s the 11th day of 2019 and I’ve signed up for things I hope will bring about growth, maturity and better leadership.

More commitments but hopefully more understanding of self too. To self-love and being kinder to everyone else–always, in all ways.

Thanks for reading! : – )

love incredible

“Your existence is proof of God’s love for you

He asks us to pray because He Himself

wants a closer relationship with you.”

Thank You for blessing me with friends who are supportive and shower me with love and continue to remind me of You. Thank You for blessing me with friends who constantly encourage me and knock some sense to me that I need to strive and be better. Thank You for all that You’ve given me–the good and the bad, for I have learnt that without the bad, I won’t be able to appreciate the good to the fullest.

 

the truth untold

Sometimes, some things just hurt no matter how much you try to push them all to the back of your head and heart. Sometimes, some feelings resurface when there are triggers. Sometimes, some things leave a part of you broken and hard to fix. Sometimes, some things remind you of all the harsh truths and you can’t help but drown, drown, drown–

bloom

I’ve graduated!

My entire 3 years in the same institution has ended. Surreal. Unlike my other friends, I didn’t have much thoughts about wanting to graduate so badly. The feeling only surfaced during the first few weeks because I was finding it really hard to fit in an environment so different than my previous 10 years in a religious, all-girls school.

The next semesters were tough, yes, but I had many many good moments; moments that screamed growth, progress, independence, maturity, experience, fun, lame jokes, memes and so much more, it’s impossible to jot them down. I had my fair share of ups and downs if you can call it. I’m proud of myself. I didn’t achieve the best grades but I pulled myself back up for the last year and considering the many things I had on my plate, I’d say I did pretty well actually.

Anyway… the good news: I got into a university!!! It was my second choice though but hey, I’m more than grateful. I’ll be submitting my 6 semester results this coming Tuesday and I’m good to go. I’ve been thanking God for this opportunity ever since I got accepted around 3 weeks ago. This is literally the very prayer I’ve muttered under my breath and sobbed for over a long period of time. I’m happy. Getting into university means getting a chance to restart the aspects of my life I didn’t really like, an opportunity to redeem myself and even though it’s going to be an arduous journey, I think I’m up for it.

Many thanks to those who came and showered me with love, be it in the form of letters, gifts or just by being there. To the friends I’ve made for sticking by my side through thick and thin, to the ones I’ve lost, to the friends I’ve rekindled, to new friends, to my family who have been supportive since day 1–actually since the very moment I was informed I got accepted into this course… thank you.

University: next stop!

better off

I’m here–alive and well, back from my trip to Japan. It was a wonderful time there; the fun was on the same level as my first visit in 2016. I was also greeted with news that got me squealing with joy when I came back! I’ll share the details soon but for now I’m trying to accept all of them contentedly.

high highs to low lows

Based from my last post, I didn’t go ahead with the interview (I mean I did, but I ended up not signing the contract) and I’ve resorted to taking on the role of a freelancer instead. It was a job I didn’t get to pursue because I was starting to get busy with school work so I postponed activities but now that I’m free, I thought it was a good idea to be involved with the company again.

…also because it means I don’t have to sacrifice family time because the working hours are only half-days. The pay is obviously not on the same level but it’s something–at least I’m not wasting my days away. I’m currently waiting for my schedule from the boss! I will still look for proper jobs but I’ll make do with that for now.

A lot happened in the past week, with this astounding one so far–the most surprised I’ve been for a while actually: the person I would’ve crossed oceans and imagined to go through the highs and lows together told me he wanted to have a call over the phone, to clarify whatever happened, things that were unsaid but now just feels like the right time to confess, anything! From a to z (lol).

It wasn’t the best call, mostly because I got worked up 50% of the time. Even though I’m over it, I didn’t expect the call to happen in the first place. It was something I dreamt of, yes, I wanted proper closure, but since it happened so damn long ago, I barely felt the need for it anymore. Time really does its job in changing emotions and everything. To me, the conversation was more for him; it was more for his peace of mind than mine, but whatever. It happened, nothing can be changed, I was tired, it was a decent call all in all, but it… it didn’t do anything, at least not on my end.

I think I’ve grown a lot. Not like I’m trying to boast or anything, but I’m really not the same person. I’m not 2016 me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m an entirely new person but there are certain aspects that have taken turns 2016 me would beg to achieve. I’m not backing down. Not anymore. I’ve gotten more feisty, maybe. Even though life is stagnant for now and honestly a little boring, I’m not spending my hours hating every inch of my being.

And that’s more than enough, right?

space for two

Hi guys, it has been a while. I hope y’all are doing fine.

Major Project has ended (minus the fact that I have an upcoming presentation at the company this Wednesday since it’s an industrial project) and ‘adulting’ is coming into the picture. I am hoping to continue my education in a field I am more interested in but that will be granted if He intends so for me.

Which means even if I do get to pursue my dreams (say amin to this!), I still have ample time to do anything and everything according to my own pace.

I had work last weekend but it was just a one day event, and there’s that one thing that sucks most about events: good pay, but super short time frame. I’m hoping to settle for a job for a decent period but also getting at least about a month or so to rest before school commences. Of course the latter isn’t guaranteed but I’m pushing myself towards that mindset. I really want to equip myself with as much knowledge as possible before facing the real world. Plus I’m pretty sure I’m not all that ready for work life either. I’m sure He knows that, I’ve been talking about it pretty much everyday.

I have an upcoming job interview (a 3-months contract) which has got me feeling all sorts of things. It’s not the most lavish job but it’s enough for me to gain back the money I’ll be forking out–all by my own because I don’t want to trouble my parents financially–for my 2 holidays this year. But the thing with working is I have lesser time to spend with my loved ones, and I’ve already lacked in that when I was in school. The time now is wonderful to rejoice and catch up–bond, whatever, you name it. My thoughts are mixed and messy and I’ve been anxious ever since I told the lady I was interested to sign up for the job. However, with the money I can earn too, I’m able to give a decent sum to my parents and also reward myself with things I’ve been eyeing for a while (they’re not all that expensive but at this rate of ‘not earning’, it’s best I use the cash for other important things).

I just hope I will be content with the outcome. I want to do what’s best for me and also the people I love. Keep me in your prayers, and I hope I’ll see some familiar faces during graduation day too!