Never in love.
My entire 3 years in the same institution has ended. Surreal. Unlike my other friends, I didn’t have much thoughts about wanting to graduate so badly. The feeling only surfaced during the first few weeks because I was finding it really hard to fit in an environment so different than my previous 10 years in a religious, all-girls school.
The next semesters were tough, yes, but I had many many good moments; moments that screamed growth, progress, independence, maturity, experience, fun, lame jokes, memes and so much more, it’s impossible to jot them down. I had my fair share of ups and downs if you can call it. I’m proud of myself. I didn’t achieve the best grades but I pulled myself back up for the last year and considering the many things I had on my plate, I’d say I did pretty well actually.
Anyway… the good news: I got into a university!!! It was my second choice though but hey, I’m more than grateful. I’ll be submitting my 6 semester results this coming Tuesday and I’m good to go. I’ve been thanking God for this opportunity ever since I got accepted around 3 weeks ago. This is literally the very prayer I’ve muttered under my breath and sobbed for over a long period of time. I’m happy. Getting into university means getting a chance to restart the aspects of my life I didn’t really like, an opportunity to redeem myself and even though it’s going to be an arduous journey, I think I’m up for it.
Many thanks to those who came and showered me with love, be it in the form of letters, gifts or just by being there. To the friends I’ve made for sticking by my side through thick and thin, to the ones I’ve lost, to the friends I’ve rekindled, to new friends, to my family who have been supportive since day 1–actually since the very moment I was informed I got accepted into this course… thank you.
University: next stop!
I’m here–alive and well, back from my trip to Japan. It was a wonderful time there; the fun was on the same level as my first visit in 2016. I was also greeted with news that got me squealing with joy when I came back! I’ll share the details soon but for now I’m trying to accept all of them contentedly.
I’ll be leaving home for about 10 days or so. This is my first time being away for that long, and without my parents; for that matter. Usually, our holidays last only 3-5 days because we had many responsibilities back then, and then my longest holiday up till now would be the one in 2016 to Japan with my schoolmates, for about 7 days or so. It was great, but this time I’m going to be away much much longer. My nerves are all over the place. I’m half nervous and half stoked.
The place I’ll be going may be hit by a typhoon though. The news reassured the possibility of it happening is low, but they’ll be taking measures. I hope you can all pray for me and that whatever happens, I hope you guys don’t have anything against me thus far.
Based from my last post, I didn’t go ahead with the interview (I mean I did, but I ended up not signing the contract) and I’ve resorted to taking on the role of a freelancer instead. It was a job I didn’t get to pursue because I was starting to get busy with school work so I postponed activities but now that I’m free, I thought it was a good idea to be involved with the company again.
…also because it means I don’t have to sacrifice family time because the working hours are only half-days. The pay is obviously not on the same level but it’s something–at least I’m not wasting my days away. I’m currently waiting for my schedule from the boss! I will still look for proper jobs but I’ll make do with that for now.
A lot happened in the past week, with this astounding one so far–the most surprised I’ve been for a while actually: the person I would’ve crossed oceans and imagined to go through the highs and lows together told me he wanted to have a call over the phone, to clarify whatever happened, things that were unsaid but now just feels like the right time to confess, anything! From a to z (lol).
It wasn’t the best call, mostly because I got worked up 50% of the time. Even though I’m over it, I didn’t expect the call to happen in the first place. It was something I dreamt of, yes, I wanted proper closure, but since it happened so damn long ago, I barely felt the need for it anymore. Time really does its job in changing emotions and everything. To me, the conversation was more for him; it was more for his peace of mind than mine, but whatever. It happened, nothing can be changed, I was tired, it was a decent call all in all, but it… it didn’t do anything, at least not on my end.
I think I’ve grown a lot. Not like I’m trying to boast or anything, but I’m really not the same person. I’m not 2016 me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m an entirely new person but there are certain aspects that have taken turns 2016 me would beg to achieve. I took a DISC personality test again and throughout the years of doing it, I have always gotten an ‘S’ for steady, but just now I got a ‘D’ for dominant. I think I’m stronger. I’m not fully built and equipped–I’m far from that–but I’m not backing down. Not anymore. I’ve gotten more feisty, maybe. Even though life is stagnant for now and honestly a little boring, I’m not spending my hours hating every inch of my being.
And that’s more than enough, right?
Hi guys, it has been a while. I hope y’all are doing fine.
Major Project has ended (minus the fact that I have an upcoming presentation at the company this Wednesday since it’s an industrial project) and ‘adulting’ is coming into the picture. I am hoping to continue my education in a field I am more interested in but that will be granted if He intends so for me.
Which means even if I do get to pursue my dreams (say amin to this!), I still have ample time to do anything and everything according to my own pace.
I had work last weekend but it was just a one day event, and there’s that one thing that sucks most about events: good pay, but super short time frame. I’m hoping to settle for a job for a decent period but also getting at least about a month or so to rest before school commences. Of course the latter isn’t guaranteed but I’m pushing myself towards that mindset. I really want to equip myself with as much knowledge as possible before facing the real world. Plus I’m pretty sure I’m not all that ready for work life either. I’m sure He knows that, I’ve been talking about it pretty much everyday.
I have an upcoming job interview (a 3-months contract) which has got me feeling all sorts of things. It’s not the most lavish job but it’s enough for me to gain back the money I’ll be forking out–all by my own because I don’t want to trouble my parents financially–for my 2 holidays this year. But the thing with working is I have lesser time to spend with my loved ones, and I’ve already lacked in that when I was in school. The time now is wonderful to rejoice and catch up–bond, whatever, you name it. My thoughts are mixed and messy and I’ve been anxious ever since I told the lady I was interested to sign up for the job. However, with the money I can earn too, I’m able to give a decent sum to my parents and also reward myself with things I’ve been eyeing for a while (they’re not all that expensive but at this rate of ‘not earning’, it’s best I use the cash for other important things).
I just hope I will be content with the outcome. I want to do what’s best for me and also the people I love. Keep me in your prayers, and I hope I’ll see some familiar faces during graduation day too!
Hi. Today’s my first time publicly blogging in 2018. I turned 20 about a month or so ago and a lot has happened since then. I had a decent birthday with a decent number of people wishing me well but what got me astounded was the quality of the messages I received. Each and every one was heartwarming. I was overwhelmed with all the love I got that I cried a lot that very night.
I’ve been actively involving myself around people too–mostly because I am assigned to due to interviews that need to be conducted for my final year project. Trust me when I say I’m truly exhausted from conversing with older male leaders almost everyday since this month started but they’ve been so friendly and accommodating so being intimidated was not an issue. Aside from that, I managed to catch up with friends even though I had a lot of things on my plate. I wanted to maintain my sanity and happiness so I made sure to loosen up instead of being cooped up at home, analyzing my interview findings and reading numerous literature reviews. I needed breaks. Lately I have been trying to find a balance again, just like in the past semester. I don’t want to be a slave to academics but I don’t want to slack either. I can only hope that my group mates and I are on the right track.
So far, 2018 has been… fulfilling to say the least. I’m busy, I’m surrounded by people I want to be around, I’m giving and receiving and all in all, I think I’m content. It’s too soon to say anything but I pray that 2018 will make a turn for the better–not just for me, but for us all.
I’ll see you around.
I realized a lot of people have written similar posts, and I could also point out some common lessons which made me deduce that maybe some things, we all have to go through at some point in our lives. They may be things we cannot back away from, but that doesn’t mean we won’t grow from them. I’ll be turning 20 in a few hours so I’ll list some lessons down now:
1- People can appear nice to you but you’ll always never know what their true intentions are. Don’t be too naive, and sometimes you don’t have to see the good in people too much if it’s only going to make them step on you. Learn to be guarded and never reveal your soul to another so soon. At a workplace setting, it is important to respect and be very nice everybody so that you don’t get involved with the politics there. They’ll give you a hard time (half kidding, half not really) but you have to show that you can handle the workload or else they’ll backbite. Again, be cautious.
2- If someone’s draining too much energy out of you, don’t stay with them. Toxic relationships are the epitome of hell. Don’t feed yourself with excuses; that they’ll change for the better and what not. Maybe they will, but it may not be around you. It’s not your fault if separation happens. Perhaps you weren’t entirely good for them either. What’s important after being apart is for you to assess which areas you can improve on about yourself.
3- Things will fall into place if you put your trust in God, yourself, and the ones who genuinely love and support you. Work your way towards your goals–list them down and find a purpose in life. You have to stress this: you’re going to make sure your life in this world is pleasant in order to make the Next much much better. You will have to go through hardships, it’s a no-brainer, but try to see it from a different perspective instead of oh life sucks, things aren’t working out. I know it is difficult but please, hold on. Things will get better. You will get to say and thoroughly mean that in the near future.
4- Don’t rush. Take things slow. It’s understandable that patience can run out at times, but do not stop persevering. There’s a reason why people keep on saying that good things come to those who wait.
5- The hardest part is forgetting those you swore you’d never forget.
6- It’s okay to fail if it means you’re not going to succumb to such a situation again. Make your way back up. Study harder and smarter. Find your strengths; maybe you work better when you make notes and mind maps, or maybe you need to record yourself saying all the important definitions to the Psychology test. Everyone’s method of studying is different. It’s perfectly fine if it’s not part of the “norm”.
7- Confront your fears. It brings about a sense of achievement like no other when you overcome them. However, if people keep on forcing you to get over them (COUGHS), know to take a step back because they’re yours; you overcome them at your own pace.
8- Your mental health > everything else. Take a breather, learn what your coping mechanisms are and surround yourself with people who will only give you positive vibes. Indulge in hobbies that bring you nothing but joy. The stigma around mental health is still strong even in this day and age where you’d think it has lessened but do not give up. Educate yourself and those around you especially the ones who are insensitive towards this matter.
9- Explore. Don’t be afraid of the unknown so much. Sometimes these places may seem intimidating, but you’ll never know what you can find.
10- Create different playlists for different moods. Once you sing along to the songs that resonate with what you’re feeling, you’ll slowly start to feel better.
11- Don’t say his name unless it doesn’t hurt anymore. Even then, it’s really not necessary. Forgive, forget, (and move) forward.
12- Don’t think about death so much if you’re linking it to leaving this world. Remember that one time you were so overwhelmed with all the problems you were facing and you wished you could end it all then the very next day, you almost got hit by a motorcycle? It could have been such a tragic death. How did you feel moments after? You realized you weren’t prepared for death at all. Learn to forgive yourself.
13- You’re going to lose friends. Most of the time, it happens naturally: you stop contacting each other, you don’t ask what’s going on in each others’ lives etc. Your interests differ at various stages of your life and it’s something that can’t be helped as you move towards adulthood. However, if you’ve found some people you’d like to stay in contact with till pretty much the end of time or they’re what you can call “for keeps”, take care of them, keep a lookout for them, ask them how they’re doing frequently, grab lunch or catch up over dinner with them no matter how busy you are. Be there for them.
14- Put yourself first. It should not be to the point where you become extremely self-centered and do not comply to others (obviously), but more of attending to your feelings better.
15- I know how hard this is for someone who overthinks most of the time but do not compare. For God’s sake and your sanity, do not put yourself through that mess. People will have it better than you be it in terms of finance, grades, love and it is not your fault. Count your other blessings at all times especially the ones you have the tendency to overlook such as health; your five senses, your hands that can easily grip things, your legs that can bring you far and all that. Certain majestic things will happen when they’re supposed to. For now, enjoy things the way they are.
16- You will be given the chance to travel one day. Save up some money, work hard, keep yourself updated with offers and pray to God that He will make it easy for you. Make your intentions right.
17- I’ll give you a push: if it all gets too much again, take a trip to the doctor. Get professional help and seek treatment. Since you may likely freak out over the results, make sure to bring a trustworthy friend with you so that the process won’t be as intimidating.
18- Attend religious talks and be more involved with religious activities. For this year’s Ramadhan you did a lot–continue that. Reach out even more. Do not stop giving back to the community.
19- Work out! Do not underestimate the power of exercising. You want to get back in shape, you want to maintain a healthier lifestyle, you want to be fit? Visit the gym more, and take advantage of the bikes they have now and put them to good use. Also, eat your damn veggies like how your colleagues (and pretty much everyone else) told you to.
20- Cut yourself some slack. You deserve some me-time. I said this last year and I’ll say it again. It’s okay to roam a mall alone, grab a cup of coffee, run some errands, treat yourself to the things that make you happy– the possibilities are endless. Remember to be nice to yourself.
In all honesty, I wrote about 8 of these back in August because I was so excited but then I made a promise to myself to continue it before I turn 20 because then I was sure I’d gain more experiences over the next few months and I sure as heck did. Thanks for being patient with me, everyone. And happy (soon) 20th birthday to me!
To everyone I have come across in my life, I truly apologize if I have offended in any way, or if you ever feel burdened whenever I pour my heart out you. I get that I’m intense and most of the time people can’t comprehend it–sometimes they even wonder why I function as such. I’m really sorry. 2017 has been a wild ride. Here’s to a month left.
It’s funny because sometimes the love can quickly turn to hate. Sometimes nonchalance becomes intense. Sometimes forever becomes non-existent. Sometimes paragraphs turn to mere words. Sometimes good moments make you wish they were bad so it’ll be easier to forget. Sometimes the book you leave open all the time becomes a book you cannot stand the sight of and just close it shut. Sometimes good friends turn to strangers. You made my world seem right for the first time and soon after you turned it upside down. We have become opposites.