lessons

I gained so many life lessons from him. At one point, I even wanted to stop learning because it was overwhelming but the thing with me is that once I’m in, I’m in for real. I don’t like to do things half-hearted. Well, now look where we are.

Just last night I was assessing whatever I learnt from him. The biggest lesson I learnt was being able to love. I’ve always thought I could when I was younger, but over time, I didn’t want to confuse love with infatuation. I’ve had very few crushes in the past because I knew how much energy and effort it took. I also kept it all to myself, revealing only to a select one or two that I liked someone. I wasn’t in that bandwagon; when the girls would gather and talk about their crushes. I’ve only ever liked 2 boys before him.

The first time I admitted to liking someone, whatever it was, it was short-lived. At that point I did only like him. I guess when we spend time with the people we like, it can develop into something more. Truthfully, I initially didn’t want it to be anything serious. I was young. School and family should be my sole priorities. I knew I could come off as strong, or too intense, so I told myself to let things be more controlled. I think I wasn’t that expressive or as expressive as I could be, but I did show and tell how I appreciated him once in a while. Even he said it was obvious from the way I behaved.

When it happened, I was in denial. I found it hard to accept that he wanted to get rid of everything that could link back to me. I experienced a sense of self-hatred I didn’t know could even exist in the first place. I did think whether I was just being too immature or behaving so rash when I was more composed.

Now that I’ve fully come to terms with it, I don’t know if it’s safe to say whether I loved him or haha, damn it, that I still do. It’s hard to move on because sometimes my mum would ask me about him even though I’ve told her before that I haven’t contacted him in so long, sometimes I stumble upon his face in my phone gallery, sometimes I see the folders in my computer that would make me cry the moment I open them. I wrote some poems for him. I wrote a short book for him, even, for his 20th. They’re all there. They serve as reminders that whatever I felt was real. The picture we took from the museum’s photobooth is also still in my box.

I’ve made a promise to myself just recently that I should love him less. That I need to be strong on my own. That just because things didn’t turn out the way I visioned it to be, I shouldn’t be so downhearted. But it’s so difficult especially when he’s doing so well now. I’m happy that he is,  but I wish I’m there with him, or that I can at least get rid of this leeching sadness.

I’m just so tired.

don’t capsize

d8f940d5ecd1acf775aa9cbed4c8f37b
“I think about you, love you, and I’m filled with pride.”

For someone who has a major in Self-Loathe, you’d probably think why on Earth am I giving you advice on self-love. That’s the thing–I’m trying to push myself even harder to pursue this journey with open arms and my head high. I’m trying to change for myself, my own good. I have to thank my supportive social circle who always urge me to improve myself. I don’t know what I’d do without them. May God bless them all.

For the past year, I’ve been having endless internal conflicts. It used to be more prominent in 2013 but I got better. Not until last year when I went through some major changes in my life and it took a toll on my well-being. All the wounds and bruises resurfaced and I didn’t do anything to treat them. I only picked on them and my condition worsened. I’d constantly lie to myself and others; tell them I’m fine, I’m trying hard to work on myself but the issue lies here: I wasn’t trying hard enough. I hated that people said I wasn’t pushing my limits initially. I wanted to scream at them and ask “can’t you see I’m trying?” Now that I’ve come to think about it, the only reason why I got so worked up was because they were right. I didn’t try my best. I didn’t give myself enough credit. I was harsh to the one person whom I have to give my all for.

It got to the point where I spent the past few months crying in the wee hours, not knowing how to fix all the shattered pieces of me. You’d think I would cry occasionally. No, I’m not lying when I say I literally sobbed my heart out every night. I was so crestfallen–or maybe that isn’t even the right word to describe the situation. I was lost, questioning everything I did that made people leave me, what was it that was so repulsive about me–why why why?

To this day I have no answer. But what I do know is that I have my fair share of flaws and it’s up to the people around me to accept them or not. Some left because they made the decision to. I can’t force them to stay in any way because that’s simply not real. At this point I’m thankful for the ones in my life and I’m striving to make them happy and especially–myself. I need to stop dragging myself down because no one has my back at all times except me (and God).

With that being said, I haven’t reached the stage of self-contentment yet. I only came to this realization a few days ago but I know that I need to continue. I’m only going to attend to the people who matter and vice versa. “Love is a road that goes both ways”. It’s noble to continuously give, but it’s not completely healthy either. Ultimately, don’t cause harm to others and to yourself.

Some tips to attain self-love:

  1. Find a hobby. Try out different things. If you’re going to only feel demotivated after multiple attempts (like me haha), do not proceed until you’re ready to give it a shot again. You’re not supposed to hate on yourself for not succeeding–you’re supposed to cut yourself some slack, a time to relax. It’s normal to not do well in the first few tries anyway! My hobbies include reading, doodling and taking photos. There are so many alternatives so don’t stop searching for the one/(s) that suit/(s) you best!
  2. Surround yourself with good people and be good as well. Good people will only radiate positive vibes and they’ll continuously support you. You don’t want any toxic relationships in your life. You don’t need them. Don’t latch on to them for the temporarily euphoric feelings they can cause. Find yourself by doing good and being around good people. We all have our off days obviously, but make up for it and apologize for your undesired behaviour.
  3. Make yourself busy. Hobbies play a part, but you may want to start on projects or other curricular activities if you can too. If you want to sign up for work, don’t stop yourself. Occupy your time with relevant activities. Catch up with your social circle over dinner. You can even go sightseeing or visit places that bring you serenity. For me, I’m going to do some voluntary work soon, meet up with old friends and then take a trip to the museum. These are things I like to do hence why I’m looking forward to the end of the week!
  4. Your new hobby can be your new interest too. One of my coping mechanisms back then was watching anime. I gave up on it when I was younger but was brought back to the ~anime life~ when I watched Kuroshitsuji and from then on I’ve been a huge fan of anime. If anime isn’t your thing, there are always movies and dramas of various genres that you’re bound to find one that meets your needs.

Here are some light-hearted anime that I feel everyone would love/people should give a shot:

  1. Barakamon
  2. Sweetness and Lightning
  3. Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki Kun
  4. Haikyuu!! (ノ^ヮ^)ノ*:・゚✧
  5. Ao Haru Ride
  6. Tamako Market

I hope I’ve helped some of y’all in one way or another. May God continue to guide us to the right path and may He heal all of us; all the pain others have caused, some we even unknowingly brought upon ourselves but don’t. beat. yourself. up. for. it. Let’s achieve self-love someday. I know we can.

Lots of warm wishes and virtual hugs.

thank you for this review, it’s my first non-fiction

Hey,

Honestly, I can’t say how I can put myself in your shoes because I tried so hard to, but I can’t reciprocate the same feelings you had. I’ve never encountered a person that I would wholeheartedly let myself be with so comfortably and I’ve never been passionate to an extent where I would give up my life for someone (I know you didn’t mention that in your words but I felt so). I can say that I couldn’t agree more with this companion of yours that said about this — raw. You did get me tearing up when I was in the midst of reading the book in the train. I’m not sure how often I get evoked when reading but this, this — I can’t explain it. It’s such a foreign feeling that I want to understand how can one be so hurt — a pain so elaborately portrayed in words. I admire you for writing a piece of your heart and gifting it to him. Especially when you started on a good note and you ended it just as well. I want to be able to provide you comfort but only He is the solace I believe you seek the most and need. I am merely a medium for you to let your feelings out and a warm embrace you can always seek out for. Be good to yourself — just as you’ve been good to others. I am absolutely enthralled to see you grow into someone much more passionate than today, even if you have given pieces of your heart to others — even those who deem unworthy of them. Lest, at least you’ve left a mark on someone. Pursue that rawness in yourself. You’re still an unpolished gem — it’ll take years but I know you’ll be a gem in which those who are important in your life will adore, admire. Love always, Fa.

unrest

I hate it when people apologize just to get rid of any guilt. I hate it when they apologize just so they are seen as the nicer ones in the situation. I hate it when they apologize but don’t do anything to make up for it. Nothing bugs me more than all talk and no action. Understand that you’ve hurt/caused trouble for some people and if you’re only constantly apologizing to make yourself feel good at the end of the day, the only person you should say sorry to is yourself.

conveyed

The Adjective / I Hope You’re Doing Well

I’ve spent my whole life catching up
But what if there’s nothing to catch up to
What if I’ve been right where I need to be
Being on track always felt so strange to me

Tell me all about your friends
And every place you’ve ever been
I’m dying to know your voice
Like the back of my hand
And tell me me how the hell you’ve been
Life’s too short so keep a grin
I hope you’re doing what you love
And love whoever you’re there with

You only get so many second chances
Don’t waste a second second guessing
Not everything’s always your fault
Life’s not always simple
You don’t have to hate yourself.

the hardest part is forgetting those you swore you would never forget

If I could paint you a picture of all the misery you had unknowingly put me through, it’d be too grotesque you may want to wish you hadn’t even caught a glimpse of it.

If I could paint you a picture of all the happiness you brought into my life before my downfall, it’d be incomplete, though all sunshine and rainbows that you wish you could see more.

I wish the latter had continued. I wish the separation had been done a lot more peacefully; not so abrupt, not like you just laid it all down for me in carefully constructed sentences because you didn’t want to hurt me but that’s the irony of it all. You did. At the same time, it’s not fully your fault either. 

And ever since, I can’t paint beautifully anymore. They either end up being too messy, or I couldn’t deal with it and just crumple it–chuck it elsewhere, most probably the bin. I miss you so much and I wish we’re still talking, still good friends, still sharing our thoughts and opinions but with something new: having a barrier.

But I get what you said. Continuing from where we left off or being too normal with each other could result in me facing a bigger loss.

I’m sorry. I’m just really sad it had to be this way and I think you can tell. Nevermind. I hope you’re healthy and maybe one day I could catch up with you. Can I?

zero for conduct

I have been rotting away at home. Work ended for me about half a month ago and ever since, my mind and everything else have been restless. I’ve been so cooped up with my emotions that it hasn’t done me any good. I am not productive. I’m feeding all the pessimism and negativity in my life. I’m tired for all the wrong reasons. I want to be busy. I want to give my all to something that’ll wear me out at the end of the day but solely because I’ve been working very hard. I love working, honestly, or being busy in general. I love the thrill of having to hand in submissions by the end of the week. I know I always complain during the actual setting but deep down, I’m thankful for it. Call me weird or simply messed up but I don’t care. Right now I don’t like where I am. If anyone can give me tips on how to be productive or do great things without having to fork out a lot of money, hit me up.

don’t even say anything

The other day I came across a screenshot of an author (Najwa Zebian, if you must know and she’s great by the way)’s Facebook status on how it is perfectly okay to express your views, to be emotional, you shouldn’t be scared that you’ll come off as very sensitive and by doing all of those, it doesn’t mean you’re making things uncomfortable for both yourself and the other party. As an emotional person myself who generally likes to voice out any doubts or dissatisfaction without overdoing it as well as being pretty cheesy (and too much of a hopeless romantic), I wanted so badly to agree. I was glad there was at least someone (albeit from the other side of the world) who appreciated that but I was surprised at how angry it made me too.

Her status was this:

“Your feelings are important. What’s not okay is for you to bottle up your feelings up inside because you feel ashamed of feeling them. What’s not okay is for you to allow the person who caused you pain to tell you that you have no right to feel that pain. They already caused it. You have every right to feel it. If we were as insensitive as the world wanted us to be, we would not be humans; we would be rocks and mountains. But we are humans and we have hearts and souls. Use your heart today. Use your soul today. Be gentle with yourself. And allow yourself to feel your feelings.”

It is easier said than done though, ain’t it? I find it absurd that people generally encourage others to be vulnerable and avoid having pent up emotions but the second someone conveys his truest feelings, he is asked to stop almost immediately. If not, his views are heard but they’re either ignored or they’ll say he’s being over-dramatic, naive and just plain unreasonable. Just putting this out there: I am not saying everyone is against sensitive people or consider  them ridiculous.

I’ve been there far too many times. I’ve been in situations where after spilling my emotions, I’ll be hit with waves of dread when they aren’t well-received. At the end of the day, the one who’s hurt is me, myself and I. Allowing myself to feel in extremes–and damn it, it can’t be toned down–will result in a type of despondence I can’t even describe properly.

To put it simply, I feel like I’m blessed with a curse–of feeling too much, of feeling too passionately, of being so easily affected. The worst part is I cannot do anything about it. I have to continue feeling and letting every reaction take a toll on me. It’s truly exhausting. For years now I’ve been under the pressure of being emotional and then when I admit it to someone aloud, I’m considered a fool (well some people don’t say it blatantly but honestly with the tone and all, you can just tell).

When will the various aspects of my life stop weighing me down? Just make me immune already.

knock out 

Yesterday I went to JB with my sisters, cousin and brother in law. We spent a great whole day there. Explored 2 malls and a place called Kilang Bateri. The entire day, all I could think of was how much I loved going somewhere new and I hope I’ll be blessed enough to head to more amazing places in the near future. I really want to get away from everything. I just want some time to focus on myself, seeing the greater things and what the world has to offer. I’m tired of wallowing in sadness and giving in to any negativity.

In Year 3 a.k.a my final lap of my tertiary education which is also commencing in a month, I hope I’ll be more mature and stop making rash decisions.