conveyed

The Adjective / I Hope You’re Doing Well

I’ve spent my whole life catching up
But what if there’s nothing to catch up to
What if I’ve been right where I need to be
Being on track always felt so strange to me

Tell me all about your friends
And every place you’ve ever been
I’m dying to know your voice
Like the back of my hand
And tell me me how the hell you’ve been
Life’s too short so keep a grin
I hope you’re doing what you love
And love whoever you’re there with

You only get so many second chances
Don’t waste a second second guessing
Not everything’s always your fault
Life’s not always simple
You don’t have to hate yourself.

the hardest part is forgetting those you swore you would never forget

If I could paint you a picture of all the misery you had unknowingly put me through, it’d be too grotesque you may want to wish you hadn’t even caught a glimpse of it.

If I could paint you a picture of all the happiness you brought into my life before my downfall, it’d be incomplete, though all sunshine and rainbows that you wish you could see more.

I wish the latter had continued. I wish the separation had been done a lot more peacefully; not so abrupt, not like you just laid it all down for me in carefully constructed sentences because you didn’t want to hurt me but that’s the irony of it all. You did. At the same time, it’s not fully your fault either. 

And ever since, I can’t paint beautifully anymore. They either end up being too messy, or I couldn’t deal with it and just crumple it–chuck it elsewhere, most probably the bin. I miss you so much and I wish we’re still talking, still good friends, still sharing our thoughts and opinions but with something new: having a barrier.

But I get what you said. Continuing from where we left off or being too normal with each other could result in me facing a bigger loss.

I’m sorry. I’m just really sad it had to be this way and I think you can tell. Nevermind. I hope you’re healthy and maybe one day I could catch up with you. Can I?

don’t even say anything

The other day I came across a screenshot of an author (Najwa Zebian, if you must know and she’s great by the way)’s Facebook status on how it is perfectly okay to express your views, to be emotional, you shouldn’t be scared that you’ll come off as very sensitive and by doing all of those, it doesn’t mean you’re making things uncomfortable for both yourself and the other party. As an emotional person myself who generally likes to voice out any doubts or dissatisfaction without overdoing it as well as being pretty cheesy (and too much of a hopeless romantic), I wanted so badly to agree. I was glad there was at least someone (albeit from the other side of the world) who appreciated that but I was surprised at how angry it made me too.

Her status was this:

“Your feelings are important. What’s not okay is for you to bottle up your feelings up inside because you feel ashamed of feeling them. What’s not okay is for you to allow the person who caused you pain to tell you that you have no right to feel that pain. They already caused it. You have every right to feel it. If we were as insensitive as the world wanted us to be, we would not be humans; we would be rocks and mountains. But we are humans and we have hearts and souls. Use your heart today. Use your soul today. Be gentle with yourself. And allow yourself to feel your feelings.”

It is easier said than done though, ain’t it? I find it absurd that people generally encourage others to be vulnerable and avoid having pent up emotions but the second someone conveys his truest feelings, he is asked to stop almost immediately. If not, his views are heard but they’re either ignored or they’ll say he’s being over-dramatic, naive and just plain unreasonable. Just putting this out there: I am not saying everyone is against sensitive people or consider  them ridiculous.

I’ve been there far too many times. I’ve been in situations where after spilling my emotions, I’ll be hit with waves of dread when they aren’t well-received. At the end of the day, the one who’s hurt is me, myself and I. Allowing myself to feel in extremes–and damn it, it can’t be toned down–will result in a type of despondence I can’t even describe properly.

To put it simply, I feel like I’m blessed with a curse–of feeling too much, of feeling too passionately, of being so easily affected. The worst part is I cannot do anything about it. I have to continue feeling and letting every reaction take a toll on me. It’s truly exhausting. For years now I’ve been under the pressure of being emotional and then when I admit it to someone aloud, I’m considered a fool (well some people don’t say it blatantly but honestly with the tone and all, you can just tell).

When will the various aspects of my life stop weighing me down? Just make me immune already.

knock out 

Yesterday I went to JB with my sisters, cousin and brother in law. We spent a great whole day there. Explored 2 malls and a place called Kilang Bateri. The entire day, all I could think of was how much I loved going somewhere new and I hope I’ll be blessed enough to head to more amazing places in the near future. I really want to get away from everything. I just want some time to focus on myself, seeing the greater things and what the world has to offer. I’m tired of wallowing in sadness and giving in to any negativity.

In Year 3 a.k.a my final lap of my tertiary education which is also commencing in a month, I hope I’ll be more mature and stop making rash decisions.

told me

I would love to be patient, but I just won’t wait
I’m getting sick and tired of the smile that I fake every day
I would love to speak my mind, but I can’t think straight
I would love to feel alive again, but I’m not used to change

Do you sleep anymore?

And if it makes you feel better, I’ll be on my way
And all this time I sit around and think, but there’s nothing to say
And if you want to feel better, I’ll stay out of your way
And I would love to feel alive again, but I guess that can wait

I’ve privatized 80% of my posts. Some were too vulnerable for the rest of the world to see. I just feel like I need to go through drastic changes in order to heal properly. It’s also less messy this way–not seeing my privatized posts. I think I sounded too frail and that’s quite the sight. Anyway, cheers to a good rest of the month. You’ll just find me trying my hardest to survive.

prayers

I always make it a habit to pray for my family and friends. Since young, I knew that they were my backbone and I would want to be the same for them.

Ever since last year, I’ve made it a habit to pray for my family, friends, and you. Somewhere along the way, I would cry whenever I include you in my prayers. I just want you to be well and excel in this life and the Hereafter.

Lately, I’ve been praying way too much for you. To be healthy, to have everything in your life sorted out, to experience success with this project you’re working on, to just simply being happy and content with life. And I would rant to God to help me pull through this–what is this? Heartache? Pain? Discomfort? Those don’t sound quite right. When I do that, the few tears turn into violent sobbings.

I just want you to be fine. Even if it means I don’t get to see your eyes light up infront of me. Even if it means I don’t get to hear that soft chuckle of yours firsthand. Even if–

s.s.l

I have not felt this way in a long time: so down, so out of it, so caught up with the weight of the world, so suffocated. The last time I had thoughts about Death was a year or so ago. I would get sad here and there, in fact I think I’ve been pretty down in the dumps since October, but Death did not cross my mind.

Not until tonight.

I know I said recently that I should stop relying on people to bring me happiness, but the thing is, with someone like me–as depressing as this sounds, God I hope not–I need people around me to bring me happiness to remind me that life is worth living for. I have my religion and God to turn to but I’m specifically referring to physical aspects here. Sometimes you place so much happiness in someone that when they leave, you don’t know what to do. All the other happiness in your life can’t match the kind that person brings. It’s a living hell; when you’re constantly comparing with what you had and what you have. I’m not saying my friends haven’t been successful in cheering me up either. If anything, they’re the ones that helped/are helping me pull through aside from my family members. I am so thankful for them. Very, to the point I don’t know how to express my gratitude because I feel like what I can repay’s lacking immensely.

Anyway, the sadness got pretty bad in the evening. Everything came crashing down all at once and it felt like the floor could swallow me whole with my screams ringing in my ears. I didn’t want all of that. I want to get rid of that so badly.

Just, anyone–keep me in your prayers if you can. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I don’t think I want to know either.

2016 in a photo

Here’s a compilation of my favourite days.

Thank you. I can’t stress this enough. 2016 was one hell of a ride but I think I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve made a bunch of new friends, I took on a lot of challenges, I tried new things–those I could only dream of back then.

So thank you once again to the people who made it exciting. Despite all the bad things I faced last year, I know that God only brought upon those trials to make me stronger. Keep me in your prayers, if that’s not too much to ask for. I am slowly healing.

I love you and have a happy new year!

2016

Processed with VSCO

I learnt a lot this year. I came across a quote somewhere that 2016 wasn’t a bad year, it was just a year filled with tough lessons. That sounded too optimistic although I do know we’re supposed to husnuzhon (think positively) all the time. I aspire to be like that. My optimism is slowly dissipating and I think I have no one to blame but myself. Yikes, let’s not sound too down in the dumps. Here are some of the things I learnt in 2016:

Take good care of your family. Everyone’s getting older, so provide some time for them. My sister got married this year and my dad fell ill soon after. He’s getting better now but still heads to the hospital for check-ups once in a while. His most recent visit was on my birthday. I realized the importance of talking to everyone in your family whether you have time or not. Converse before it’s too late. I remember when I was so cooped up in my study room, just mugging like crazy that I barely talked to anyone in the house. My dad eventually said it: “Come out lah. You’ve been so caught up in your own world that you’re not talking to us.” That was then it hit me that even though I have my own things to do, it’s crucial to set aside some time for the people who will definitely be there for me till the very end. I love my family so much but always find it awkward to express my love. Funny how that’s the case for the ones who are permanent. I’m sorry I haven’t been the best daughter. I’ll strive. I won’t stop, I promise.

Sleep is important. I don’t procrastinate. I’m the type of person who will feel restless if there’s any school work and I put them off till the last minute. This year though, I sacrificed a lot of my sleep to finish any workload. There was a time (when I had to stay in school for a CDS: Transnational Studies, if you must know) when I had to rush to do so many assignments. My schedule was hectic. Taking two additional subjects was insane but I’m glad I did pretty alright at the end of the day. I need to work on this a lot because I’ve been staying up late–not to study, but rather just reevaluating my life. Heck, I’m writing this at 3 am. I’ve been falling sick a lot too because of the lack of sleep so I definitely need to leave this bad habit behind.

People will come into your life in unexpected ways. Sometimes again. There was a particular someone whom I have always wanted to know but never got the chance to until this year. I’ve learnt a lot. I even got to make a new friend because of him so thank you. I also managed to talk to my primary school friends again. We didn’t cut off ties; we were just busy with our own lives. Due to recent events though, we managed to reconcile and I’m glad. They’ve given me a bunch of advice that I am thankful for.

Keep photos and videos. Cherish but don’t perish (haha I just wanted to rhyme. But seriously. Don’t ‘die’ from the overwhelming feelings). I think when circumstances have changed, it’s nice to look back at the photos and videos you’ve taken to reminisce but only do it once in a while. Doing that often will only make you sad or even angry that things aren’t the same anymore. Save yourself the heartache.

Get some ‘me’ time. I barely did things for myself this year. I went the extra mile for others but not myself. They were done out of sincerity, just putting it out there, but I’ve also been so hard on myself because of that. How I’d go through lengths in a jiffy for the ones I love but not myself. Doesn’t that mean I don’t love myself as much? There’s a fine line between being so full of yourself and respecting yourself though. Don’t be selfish, just cut yourself some slack. I have been on a journey of self-love since 2013 and I’ve to say, this year the self-hatred was at its maximum. I hope I’ll improve in 2017. So yeah, self, give yourself a break. Remember when you used to roam around the mall alone just to relax? Do that more often.

Spending is such a guilty pleasure. To alleviate all the sad feelings I’ve been getting, I’ve been spending a lot. Retail therapy works wonders. They were mostly done out of distraction though. Despite that, I realized I didn’t splurge as much as I thought I did so props to me!

The gym is great. I think people’s perception of the gym is intimidating and I can’t deny, but honestly, 98% of the people there are just focusing on themselves. Don’t be too insecure or how you’re not on the same level as them (yet). They started off just like you too. If you don’t like it though, it’s always fun to workout at home too. Get yourself the necessary equipment. Start slow, do things at your own pace. Gradually increase the intensities and you’re good to go. I’ve been feeling good lately solely because of working out. Doing it with a friend’s a plus.

Don’t hold on to words. Never. Just don’t. Actions will always overpower. Words are nice to see, but remember: if the words don’t complement the actions, don’t even bother clinging on to sweet nothings.

Attachments won’t do anyone any good. I think I forced my feelings too much. I exerted it all at once and that only ended up putting the other party under pressure. Take things slow. If God has chosen the two of you to be together, then you don’t have much to worry about. Of course it’s important to try and put in some effort but if it’s not reciprocated, just get some distance. If it doesn’t work out, it’s not your fault. Don’t be so down about it. Besides, you’re still young. Life isn’t all about finding your other half.

Birthdays are just normal days. You turn a year older. Be more mature about it if some people don’t wish you.

Count your blessings. With all the trials I have faced in 2016, I overlooked all the good things that happened. I went to Japan with my friends, one with whom we promised to go there once we’re older but we achieved that when we were 18. I also went to JB recently with The Happies. Besides that, I had a pretty good birthday celebration–surprises will always leave me taken aback. The efforts involved were immense and I cannot thank my girls enough. I also managed to work out again. I finally summed up enough courage to say no to people. I even asked bluntly. But the greatest thing I am proud of this year? I took a lot of risks. I went ahead with what I believed was right. Sure, some things didn’t go the way I wished them to but that shouldn’t stop me from taking more risks in the future. Without it, life will only be stagnant anyway.

Here’s to a better 2017! Thank you to the people I met this year. I hope I’ll still see you in the next.

Loads of warm wishes.

recall

I’ve been running from the pain
Trying not to feel the same
But it’s a shame that we’re sinking
See, my confidence is shaking
And my heart is feeling vacant

My own words echoing in my mind, when I told my friends back then who were going through heartbreaks like it was easy, like they saw it coming because relationships in the teenage years are generally difficult to last, and they should’ve been prepared for it. I didn’t blame them, no, I felt the pain too. But I kept on telling them it’ll pass and we were young anyway. Naive, so naive, 16 year old me.

We never got together so why am I experiencing this?

I came across a poem about how we lose people not just once but every time we see things that remind us of them. I don’t have any of your items with me which is a good thing–it would be weird anyway, but I have the souvenir you got for me in March and the photo strip we took at the museum back in July. I see the unsent messages in my drawer. I see the edited ones too. Coming across all those, I guess I could safely deduce–

I caused it all. I brought this all upon myself.

I see your favourite chocolate. Is it still your favourite? Your scent is everywhere; it sucks that your cologne’s an overrated one but it’s that for a good reason anyway. I see shops or places that remind me of you. We didn’t get to go out much, but each place holds a special value–at least to me. I see the benches in school and will be overwhelmed by the memories of you and I, having our study sessions that weren’t even entirely fruitful (haha), but I enjoyed every second of it. I hope you did too.

I see everything.

I don’t want to forget it all because that would mean pretending more than half of 2016 didn’t exist. I don’t want to forget it all because even though it hurts, it puts a smile on my face that hey, I had them all with you and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You always know how to make me smile too. How do you do that?

How