told me

I would love to be patient, but I just won’t wait
I’m getting sick and tired of the smile that I fake every day
I would love to speak my mind, but I can’t think straight
I would love to feel alive again, but I’m not used to change

Do you sleep anymore?

And if it makes you feel better, I’ll be on my way
And all this time I sit around and think, but there’s nothing to say
And if you want to feel better, I’ll stay out of your way
And I would love to feel alive again, but I guess that can wait

I’ve privatized 80% of my posts. Some were too vulnerable for the rest of the world to see. I just feel like I need to go through drastic changes in order to heal properly. It’s also less messy this way–not seeing my privatized posts. I think I sounded too frail and that’s quite the sight. Anyway, cheers to a good rest of the month. You’ll just find me trying my hardest to survive.

prayers

I always make it a habit to pray for my family and friends. Since young, I knew that they were my backbone and I would want to be the same for them.

Ever since last year, I’ve made it a habit to pray for my family, friends, and you. Somewhere along the way, I would cry whenever I include you in my prayers. I just want you to be well and excel in this life and the Hereafter.

Lately, I’ve been praying way too much for you. To be healthy, to have everything in your life sorted out, to experience success with this project you’re working on, to just simply being happy and content with life. And I would rant to God to help me pull through this–what is this? Heartache? Pain? Discomfort? Those don’t sound quite right. When I do that, the few tears turn into violent sobbings.

I just want you to be fine. Even if it means I don’t get to see your eyes light up infront of me. Even if it means I don’t get to hear that soft chuckle of yours firsthand. Even if–

s.s.l

I have not felt this way in a long time: so down, so out of it, so caught up with the weight of the world, so suffocated. The last time I had thoughts about Death was a year or so ago. I would get sad here and there, in fact I think I’ve been pretty down in the dumps since October, but Death did not cross my mind.

Not until tonight.

I know I said recently that I should stop relying on people to bring me happiness, but the thing is, with someone like me–as depressing as this sounds, God I hope not–I need people around me to bring me happiness to remind me that life is worth living for. I have my religion and God to turn to but I’m specifically referring to physical aspects here. Sometimes you place so much happiness in someone that when they leave, you don’t know what to do. All the other happiness in your life can’t match the kind that person brings. It’s a living hell; when you’re constantly comparing with what you had and what you have. I’m not saying my friends haven’t been successful in cheering me up either. If anything, they’re the ones that helped/are helping me pull through aside from my family members. I am so thankful for them. Very, to the point I don’t know how to express my gratitude because I feel like what I can repay’s lacking immensely.

Anyway, the sadness got pretty bad in the evening. Everything came crashing down all at once and it felt like the floor could swallow me whole with my screams ringing in my ears. I didn’t want all of that. I want to get rid of that so badly.

Just, anyone–keep me in your prayers if you can. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I don’t think I want to know either.

2016 in a photo

Here’s a compilation of my favourite days.

Thank you. I can’t stress this enough. 2016 was one hell of a ride but I think I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve made a bunch of new friends, I took on a lot of challenges, I tried new things–those I could only dream of back then.

So thank you once again to the people who made it exciting. Despite all the bad things I faced last year, I know that God only brought upon those trials to make me stronger. Keep me in your prayers, if that’s not too much to ask for. I am slowly healing.

I love you and have a happy new year!

2016

Processed with VSCO

I learnt a lot this year. I came across a quote somewhere that 2016 wasn’t a bad year, it was just a year filled with tough lessons. That sounded too optimistic although I do know we’re supposed to husnuzhon (think positively) all the time. I aspire to be like that. My optimism is slowly dissipating and I think I have no one to blame but myself. Yikes, let’s not sound too down in the dumps. Here are some of the things I learnt in 2016:

Take good care of your family. Everyone’s getting older, so provide some time for them. My sister got married this year and my dad fell ill soon after. He’s getting better now but still heads to the hospital for check-ups once in a while. His most recent visit was on my birthday. I realized the importance of talking to everyone in your family whether you have time or not. Converse before it’s too late. I remember when I was so cooped up in my study room, just mugging like crazy that I barely talked to anyone in the house. My dad eventually said it: “Come out lah. You’ve been so caught up in your own world that you’re not talking to us.” That was then it hit me that even though I have my own things to do, it’s crucial to set aside some time for the people who will definitely be there for me till the very end. I love my family so much but always find it awkward to express my love. Funny how that’s the case for the ones who are permanent. I’m sorry I haven’t been the best daughter. I’ll strive. I won’t stop, I promise.

Sleep is important. I don’t procrastinate. I’m the type of person who will feel restless if there’s any school work and I put them off till the last minute. This year though, I sacrificed a lot of my sleep to finish any workload. There was a time (when I had to stay in school for a CDS: Transnational Studies, if you must know) when I had to rush to do so many assignments. My schedule was hectic. Taking two additional subjects was insane but I’m glad I did pretty alright at the end of the day. I need to work on this a lot because I’ve been staying up late–not to study, but rather just reevaluating my life. Heck, I’m writing this at 3 am. I’ve been falling sick a lot too because of the lack of sleep so I definitely need to leave this bad habit behind.

People will come into your life in unexpected ways. Sometimes again. There was a particular someone whom I have always wanted to know but never got the chance to until this year. I’ve learnt a lot. I even got to make a new friend because of him so thank you. I also managed to talk to my primary school friends again. We didn’t cut off ties; we were just busy with our own lives. Due to recent events though, we managed to reconcile and I’m glad. They’ve given me a bunch of advice that I am thankful for.

Keep photos and videos. Cherish but don’t perish (haha I just wanted to rhyme. But seriously. Don’t ‘die’ from the overwhelming feelings). I think when circumstances have changed, it’s nice to look back at the photos and videos you’ve taken to reminisce but only do it once in a while. Doing that often will only make you sad or even angry that things aren’t the same anymore. Save yourself the heartache.

Get some ‘me’ time. I barely did things for myself this year. I went the extra mile for others but not myself. They were done out of sincerity, just putting it out there, but I’ve also been so hard on myself because of that. How I’d go through lengths in a jiffy for the ones I love but not myself. Doesn’t that mean I don’t love myself as much? There’s a fine line between being so full of yourself and respecting yourself though. Don’t be selfish, just cut yourself some slack. I have been on a journey of self-love since 2013 and I’ve to say, this year the self-hatred was at its maximum. I hope I’ll improve in 2017. So yeah, self, give yourself a break. Remember when you used to roam around the mall alone just to relax? Do that more often.

Spending is such a guilty pleasure. To alleviate all the sad feelings I’ve been getting, I’ve been spending a lot. Retail therapy works wonders. They were mostly done out of distraction though. Despite that, I realized I didn’t splurge as much as I thought I did so props to me!

The gym is great. I think people’s perception of the gym is intimidating and I can’t deny, but honestly, 98% of the people there are just focusing on themselves. Don’t be too insecure or how you’re not on the same level as them (yet). They started off just like you too. If you don’t like it though, it’s always fun to workout at home too. Get yourself the necessary equipment. Start slow, do things at your own pace. Gradually increase the intensities and you’re good to go. I’ve been feeling good lately solely because of working out. Doing it with a friend’s a plus.

Don’t hold on to words. Never. Just don’t. Actions will always overpower. Words are nice to see, but remember: if the words don’t complement the actions, don’t even bother clinging on to sweet nothings.

Attachments won’t do anyone any good. I think I forced my feelings too much. I exerted it all at once and that only ended up putting the other party under pressure. Take things slow. If God has chosen the two of you to be together, then you don’t have much to worry about. Of course it’s important to try and put in some effort but if it’s not reciprocated, just get some distance. If it doesn’t work out, it’s not your fault. Don’t be so down about it. Besides, you’re still young. Life isn’t all about finding your other half.

Birthdays are just normal days. You turn a year older. Be more mature about it if some people don’t wish you.

Count your blessings. With all the trials I have faced in 2016, I overlooked all the good things that happened. I went to Japan with my friends, one with whom we promised to go there once we’re older but we achieved that when we were 18. I also went to JB recently with The Happies. Besides that, I had a pretty good birthday celebration–surprises will always leave me taken aback. The efforts involved were immense and I cannot thank my girls enough. I also managed to work out again. I finally summed up enough courage to say no to people. I even asked bluntly. But the greatest thing I am proud of this year? I took a lot of risks. I went ahead with what I believed was right. Sure, some things didn’t go the way I wished them to but that shouldn’t stop me from taking more risks in the future. Without it, life will only be stagnant anyway.

Here’s to a better 2017! Thank you to the people I met this year. I hope I’ll still see you in the next.

Loads of warm wishes.

recall

I’ve been running from the pain
Trying not to feel the same
But it’s a shame that we’re sinking
See, my confidence is shaking
And my heart is feeling vacant

My own words echoing in my mind, when I told my friends back then who were going through heartbreaks like it was easy, like they saw it coming because relationships in the teenage years are generally difficult to last, and they should’ve been prepared for it. I didn’t blame them, no, I felt the pain too. But I kept on telling them it’ll pass and we were young anyway. Naive, so naive, 16 year old me.

We never got together so why am I experiencing this?

I came across a poem about how we lose people not just once but every time we see things that remind us of them. I don’t have any of your items with me which is a good thing–it would be weird anyway, but I have the souvenir you got for me in March and the photo strip we took at the museum back in July. I see the unsent messages in my drawer. I see the edited ones too. Coming across all those, I guess I could safely deduce–

I caused it all. I brought this all upon myself.

I see your favourite chocolate. Is it still your favourite? Your scent is everywhere; it sucks that your cologne’s an overrated one but it’s that for a good reason anyway. I see shops or places that remind me of you. We didn’t get to go out much, but each place holds a special value–at least to me. I see the benches in school and will be overwhelmed by the memories of you and I, having our study sessions that weren’t even entirely fruitful (haha), but I enjoyed every second of it. I hope you did too.

I see everything.

I don’t want to forget it all because that would mean pretending more than half of 2016 didn’t exist. I don’t want to forget it all because even though it hurts, it puts a smile on my face that hey, I had them all with you and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You always know how to make me smile too. How do you do that?

How

echo

I hate this. I hate not being able to sleep early because I keep on overthinking, pondering over what I did that was wrong when I’ve been nothing but careful and I hate that this is affecting me so much. Crying everyday’s slowly taking a toll on me and my health especially. I need a breather.

out of sorts october

They always tell you to never make humans your source of happiness. They tell you to find happiness in things, activities, hobbies–just not people.

I went against the universal rule.

I’ve lost the very one person who made me extremely happy and now I’m not doing great, pieces of me are scattered on the floor and I can’t seem to tidy myself up.

I want to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry.

hold it all together

I don’t know what to do without making it worse
But I don’t like who I am when I’m not with you
I couldn’t make sense of it
I hadn’t slept for days
I never had the feeling that could make me throw up in the street

There are days when you will go the extra mile to be productive and some when you want to lay in bed and just listen to music or catch up on the American dramas you enjoy or spend hours playing that favourite shooting game of yours.

You’re good with words. I have never come across someone whose mind reels on writing so much and expresses his thoughts on a medium quite often. Rhyming, describing–anything. You never fail to impress me with your ability to form well-structured sentences. That’s also what I like about you. You don’t hide any of the emotions you’re feeling because you always treasure being real.

You’re loyal. Despite past circumstances, I know that in the future when you find someone you truly love, you’ll do anything to have her by your side always. I don’t want you to think your loyalty’s a bad thing just because of what happened previously. I know that you’ll strive to make her happy and your relationship to work. I know you will shower her with endless love and I’m sure she will be more than happy to reciprocate. I mean, who wouldn’t love you?

You’re a masterpiece. Gorgeous eyes that I can stare at all day, cheeks that were quite defined but now slightly chubby but that’s alright with me–I prefer that anyway, blessed with great eyebrows, a smile that instantly warms my heart and a grin that will always make me react the same because of how joyful you look– it’s so evident and I just love it when you’re happy. You told me you don’t like to grin much because your teeth aren’t perfect, that you wanted to get braces, but I personally don’t mind. I’m sure the person you love in the future won’t mind either.

You’re thoughtful but sometimes you also think too much. Don’t let the bad thoughts overwhelm you. I know you have the tendency to not work on being happy as soon as possible when you’re sad but rather on the problem itself/what made you over-think, but don’t let it get the best of you. I like how you dissociate yourself from anyone else when you’re feeling that way though because unlike you, I don’t which isn’t pretty. I’m working on it though. I’m also sorry you had to see me behave like that: sulking and all. Haha I can be such a baby.

You’re smart. I’m glad you’ve realized your goals again and I pray you’ll get to achieve it. It’s going to be a tough journey but it’ll be worth it. If this ambition of yours falters along the way, don’t be so hard on yourself either. God has better plans for you. You know that yourself, right?

You’re the first and you’ll always be. You’ve made me smile when things were difficult for me and you were there for me when I felt so alone (to which you also reminded me that I am never alone).

Thank you for making my 2016 pleasant.